No Reservations II, pt. 4c—Legends

{Damn, but these Sand Warriors do get everywhere!}

Hazezon Tamar 16

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Hazezon Tamar is an interesting case, not the least because of its uniqueness, and its delayed trigger. I’m fully confident that were he printed today, he’d cost or even less, and the trigger would happen immediately. Ç’est le fluage du pouvoir. I know for a fact that a significant percentage of the Commander playerbase loves him, so his reprinting is for them.

{I hear there’s an ultra-rare performance of Kermit the Frog covering Arthur Brown’s song, “Fire”.}

Hellfire 38

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Wizards has said that from now on, Wraths cost 5 and up.¹ Even a Wrath that damages you can be good, if it’s also selective enough. People have been clamoring for the Third Coming of Mono-Black Control, and I think a Standard reprinting of Hellfire would go a long way towards both making that happen, and making sure it won’t be too miserable to play against.

{Well, this card seem rather apropos, considering the occasional metaphor of this series}

Imprison 27

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BEST AND SIMPLEST EXECUTION OF THE CONCEPT

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Ugh, where do I start? I kinda get what they were going for, after reading the updated Oracle wording two or three times (always a bad sign), but why bother with all that wall of text when we already have Arrest. There’s even One Thousand Lashes if you want a version.

{I may hafta do a Special Edition of No Reservations detailing which World Enchantments should be redone as regular Enchantments}

In the Eye of Chaos 28

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I thought for certain there was an artifact or enchantment with the rules text of:



When ~ enters the battlefield, choose a card type other than land. (Artifact, creature, enchantment, instant, land, planeswalker, sorcery, and tribal are card types.)

Players can’t cast spells of the chosen type.



Several minutes in Gatherer later, I found that I was wrong. On reflection, that’s probably a good thing, as it’d be miserable to play with or against: either they cost it aggressively, and it locks someone out of playing; or they cost it more appropriately, and it’d never see play for costing too much.²



In the Eye of Chaos is a card that, at first, I wish they’d redo it today as a regular Enchantment, as it’d be a massive “fuck you” to control decks, especially of the draw-go variety. But then, after taking a step back to maturely put on my Melvin goggles³, I realize that control decks are required for the health of a balanced format. Furthermore, with these goggles on, I can also see that this is a card that should never have been made.

{Insert your own “pointing/pointy” joke here}

Infinite Authority 29

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Infinite Authority⁴ spends a whole heck of a lot of words to say “Enchanted creature won’t be blocked by creatures with toughness 3 or less unless those creatures will immediately trade with enchanted creature.” MaRo has made a similar criticism multiple times in the past against mechanics that spend a lot of words to essentially say “won’t be blocked”. This card tries to be cute, and fails miserably.

{Remember what I’ve said about Harold McNeill?}

And also about In the Eye of Chaos?30

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These are the closest analogues I could find, and some of them require you to Donate them



Invoke Prejudice is quite possibly the most racist official card in Magic’s history, dubiously and fittingly illustrated by the most racist illustrator in its history. Yes, we could (and possibly should) change the art, but that doesn’t change the fact that it basically says “If you aren’t playing the mirror match (or, at the very least, matching colors), you aren’t playing creatures.” What I wanna know is, if you have this on the board and control no creatures, does that just lock your opponent out of ever casting creature spells at a reasonable rate? In protest of the Trump era, I’m saying enough with prejudice!

{Tarantino has announced his sequel to Jackie Brown}

Jackie Green 39

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Jacques le Vertis probably a little too overcosted in terms of number of colors, but that’s the only thing wrong with him. A 3/4 for 4 that gives your other green creatures +0/+2 is pretty dang good, but nowhere near broken. No, not even with Assault Formation.

{Even though you’re only make-believing, laugh, clown, laugh…}

Jovial Evil 40; downgraded from to .

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Jovial Evil is a sideboard card at best, especially useful against White Weenie strategies. In Draft, you’d probably only ever take it no earlier than pick 10-12, and even then, only if was being overwhelmingly drafted. But, if that were the case, then something has either gone seriously wrong with the set, or it’s a weird thing like with Torment, where everything was weighted towards , or with Judgment, where everything was weighted towards . Jovial Evil is yet another fringe sideboard card that makes you wonder what the hell WotC was thinking putting it on The Reserved List.

{A vault with its own pool? That’s some James Bond villain-level interior design shit right there! Dat be ballin’!}

Knowledge Vault 41; downgraded from to .

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I’ll admit, Memory Jar might not help my case all that much, what with the emergency banning and all, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not a very similar effect to what Knowledge Vault does. Knowledge Vault itself is a little slow, and a little too expensive to be any sort of threat, although it DOES have quite the impressive pedigree.

{I wonder how many other cards feature Pickelhauben}

Kobold Overlord 42; downgraded from ⁵to .

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The entire Kobold tribe (all nine cards of it) has several massive problems:



• Over half of their entire catalogue either are or produce 0/1s.

• Two of their lords don’t even boost power, and one of those grants trample and a toughnessboost!⁶

• Over 75% of their entire catalogue is mono-, but their two Commanders saw fit to add more colors.

• One of those Commanders only boosts a specific, named card!⁶



But really, every single card in the catalogue, save Prossh and Kher Keep, is a little slice of failed design unto itself. And yet, it’s that exact shambolic failure that gives them a sort of minor charm, which is why, if WotC were to give full, Standard reprints to every Kobold/Kobold-matters card (except Prossh, because Prossh really only makes sense in Commander), no one would bat an eye. Hell, some might even actually have a bit of fun, and isn’t that the whole point?

{Shoot to Thrill, Janie’s Got a Gun, Shot Through the Heart}

Lady Caleria 31

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Should a converted mana cost too high and DDE too intensive, tacked onto a legendary creature justify a +0/+3 boost? I’m gonna hafta say no. Lady Caleria is overcosted (in multiple senses of the word) garbage, and should’ve been done better. They kinda did it better with Elite Archers, but even THAT was overcosted!

{I’ll admit, Legends is about the time I turned fully cynical in my reviews the last time I did this}

Lady Evangela 32

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Remember how I gave Angus Mackenzie a supplemental reprinting? Yeah, that was because he’s (mostly) in the right colors. Miss Evangelista isn’t. Yes, she’s 1/3 right (technically two-fifths), but that seems more like a happy accident than any sort of planning. What really cinches her Burn Pile status is Horn of Deafening, a card printed in THE EXACT SAME SET, that does THE EXACT SAME THING! If she was never printed, nobody’d ever notice, especially since the Horn WASN’T PUT ON THE RESERVED LIST!!! I’m feeling the bullshit, who else is feeling the bullshit?!

{Footnotes}