Post by Telim'Tor on May 30, 2019 18:26:59 GMT
Message From: The Letter-Eaters
To: You poor, deluded fools
Subject: WE ARE COMPLETELY FULL! That's never happened to us before.
We feel like you all are following the biggest fool in history on his most pointless errand. We begged your general to leave, but each time, he screamed invectives at us, saying, and we quote: "Hld m prsnr s lng s y lk, bt m, trtr m, strv m, prfrm lctrlyss n m blls t gv thm tht nc, smth, strmlnd lk nd fl tht lds fnd rrsstbl, d yr wrst; 'll nvr tlk! nd, sn, m mn wll cm t m rsc, nd y'll ll b dd!" We shit you not, he actually spoke that way, and this was long after he had overfed all of us, some of us even unto death.
Near as we can tell, what he said to us was "Hold me prisoner as long as you like, beat me, torture me, starve me, perform electrolysis on my balls to give them that nice, smooth, streamlined look and feel <Eewww, gross. This clown has some serious issues.> that <Either ladies or lads, we're not entirely sure. Some of use speculate both.> find irresistible, do your worst; I'll never talk! And soon, my men will come to my rescue, and you'll all be dead!"
First off, he did nothing BUT talk, that's why most of us are dead. You ever force-feed someone or something to death? That's the very definition of torture. We are not a violent species, we are extremely timid and docile, in fact. We've just been saddled with these strange, unfortunate eating habits. Normally, when an individual Letter-Eater has had its fill, it stops feeding and goes into hibernation, but general pain-in-the-ass would regularly stand over our sleeping forms, whispering into our bellies until we died in our sleep from esophageal rupture. The man is a menace!
I think the fact that no one came to his "rescue" is what finally, completely broke him. Last week, we found him rooting around in our rubbish dump like a raccoon, garbling something about finding two weapons of immense power, the likes of which are so obviously incomprehensible to filth such as you. He meant us, by the way, even though some of us believe that it was also directed at you lot. First, hurtful; and second, we did warn you about him going completely insane. Fortunately, once the annoying little pack rat found his two pieces of trash, he ran off screaming bloody murder in Ж-sharp, killing off the last five of us who had attuned ourselves to that phoneme, in the tragically mistaken belief that they'd be safe there. We weren't even aware that anyone could scream in Ж, much less Ж-sharp. The bastard actually altered his course out of our cave so that he could scream it right into their throats. I swear, that man is hardwired for inadvertent murder.
We hoped we'd never see him again when he left the mouth of our cave, but a few minutes after he was out of our sight, he actually wandered back in, and politely asked us "O y e a, ou ou a eae i ie y eui ei e aee?" For those of you who don't speak vowel, that translates to "Oh, by the way, would you all please kindly give my recruits their next Challenge?" Then, he resumed screaming bloody murder, this time in 區-flat minor, ran towards the back of our cave, set off some explosives, and dug himself a new exit. So now, what few left of us there are, are all freezing to death from the crosswinds through our ruined cave.
So build us the jankiest deck you can think of, using 4-ofs of crap salvaged from our refuse, so that when we finally hunt down this war criminal, we can shove his precious jank down his malignant narcissistic throat! Your choice of format and sideboard or no. What the fuck do we care?
"When in doubt, do a common."