No Reservations II, pt. 10g—Mirage

{Sound the trumpets, raise the banners, and rejoice, for your beloved General has returned to once again grace you good people with his magnificence!}

Telim’Tor 126

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Face it, Mr. Toilet, you’re just not even a decent card, forget about good! I mean, if you looked something like this, it’d be a different story, but ALL the cards associated with you are just terrible. Your darts are strictly worse than a BDSM whip, your combat trick sucks ass (still can’t figure out why they reprinted it), and your Edict (our very next card) is about as useful as a forced, unnecessary enucleation in order to guarantee a lifetime of binocular vision! And, on top of that, I’m pretty sure your views on warfare constitute a war crime.



Does this mean that you’ll no longer be giving me my former place in your column?



Of course not! Whenever you take over, it’s like a vacation for me. Plus, it’ll be a welcome breath of fresh air to deal with a harmless narcissist, as opposed to the malignant and sociopathic one we’re ALL suffering under right now! Don’t worry, your place in this column, like trump’s¹ place in the Bog Book of Failures of History, was cemented looong ago.

{Literally the very worst Edict.}

Telim’Tor’s Edict 127

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If you’re one of the few über-Johnnies/Jennies who can find a use for Telim’Tor’s Edict, then congratulations! You’re an insane weirdo who gets nothing but the dirtiest of side-eye from everyone around you, just like my Prerelease friend, Austin². For the rest of us normies & passers, this card is trash. Even if it immediately drew you a card and made you gain 5 life, it would still be completely unusable, so don’t play it.

{Even with two MAJOR strikes against it, sometimes a card can shine on power level alone. Plus, I’m pretty sure that Erin Campbell has been asking for a reprint of this for a while now.}

Tombstone Stairwell 58

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Tombstone Stairwell is incredibly powerful, just ask Kessig Cagebreakers³. As any Bridge can tell you, that many Zombies wins games. However, I can’t in good conscience release Tombstone Stairwell into Standard, as what the hell kind of set could accommodate both World Enchantments AND cumulative upkeep, besides Time Spiral 2: Junji Ito Even Harder. Fortunately, Teferi’s Protection proves that old, convoluted mechanics can find new life in supplemental sets.

{Kim DotCom & Gord Enver: Where Are They Now?}

Torrent of Lava 170, downgraded from to (cf. Windstorm, Savage Twister).

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Torrent of Lava, in the broadest sense, isn’t anything new, boardwipes have always been in the game, and prolly will always be in the game. However, it does have that really interesting damage prevention twist. I kinda wish more cards had such offbeat abilities while on the stack. Lightning Storm & Kaervek's Torch are the only similar cards than come to mind, which is a pity, as this seems like a wealth of design space just waiting to be mined.



They’ve gotta learn about the stack sometime, Wizards, why not just rip off that bandaid in a Core Set? Get them used to it right from the get-go!⁴

{More Love Song of Day and Night goodness.}

Unfulfilled Desires 171

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I was gonna downgrade Unfulfilled Desires to , but saner heads prevailed.



What the fuck were you thinking, dude?



I know you weren’t the only one objecting, Mel. Where’s my Spike at?



He’s still chained up deep within your psyche, with nothing to keep the poor animus warm but your disgusting porn fetishes.



SHTUM! SHTUM!



What? It’s not like I actually spelled out that you--



NOBODY NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT ANY OF THAT SHIT!!!⁵ CAN WE PLEASE GET BACK TO THE CARD?!!?!



Fine. Why did you consider downgrading?



Merfolk Looter, Oona’s Grace, and Really Focus.



But those are either one-time effects, or too expensive to consistently do multiple times in a single turn. Time and again, players have proven that they’re willing to pay ANY price for cheap, repeatable card draw, even if it’s just filtering. Hell, they’ll pay ANY price to gain ANY advantage, just look at Death’s Shadow!



You’re absolutely right, which is why I acceded to your objections. Any other issues you have I should know about?



Nothing major. I just really like it when power level estimates from long, long ago still hold up today.



What do you mean by that?



Well, look at Erebos & Arguel’s Thinspiration. They’re both straight up card draw, and they both require a 2 life & 2 mana payment, whereas Unfulfilled Desires is looting, and only requires 1 life & 1 mana.



That’s a very good point.



Thank you.



But what about R&D’s own stance that looting is strictly better than straight card draw?



Don’t ruin this for me.

{Stone shrooms & Klein bottles. How the hell did we end up here?}

Ventifact Bottle⁶ 128

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Ventifact Bottle just…isn’t very good. If it acted like a storage land, then it’d be worth it, but no, you have to spend all that mana and an entire turn to charge it up, only to lose that mana on your next turn. If you’re actually using this, your opponent will see what you’re doing from an entire turn and several miles away. Coalition Relic is the right way to do this.

{I love it when the Gatherer comments do my job for me, especially when, like now, I’m still working on the column past midnight.}

Warping Wurm 129

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Nothing else need be said.

{See No Reservations II, part 6b, Fallen Empires}

Wellspring 172

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Everything I said about Rainbow Vale holds true for Wellspring.



Also, I seem to remember an Aura with enchant creature that does the exact same “borrow for a turn” shtick…mebbe I designed it myself years ago, and I’m just misremembering. But, it certainly seems like the kind of thing Wizards has either already done, or should’ve already done, years ago.

{”Easy to handle, quick to the helm, fast, bright…”}

Yare, pronounced yar 173, downgraded form to , because Valor Made Real.

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I think I’m starting to develop dry rot from all these s miscategorized as s.

{Finally, a Dragon-centric Mirage card that’s actually worth playing!}

Zirilan of the Claw Even though it’d take a decent amount of foreplanning and seeding that Standard with Dragons, Zirilan is still powerful enough to be worth it. 174

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Zirilan of the Claw is very powerful, and his stats are still pretty decent, even for today. “I’ll yell you when I have enough Dragons!” Zirilan only gets better the more Dragons get printed.

{It’s 2:55 am, I’ve been working at this for far too long, and the Seroquel is just starting to rally kick in…}

Zuberi, Golden Feather 130

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Let’s say for the sake of argument you had to rerelese the model t today, exactly as-is, in order to win a competition against a Dodge Viper, Top Gear/Grand Tour style. There’d obviously be some very marked differences between the two.



That’s what it’s like for Zuberi, Golden Feather. It may have been revolutionary for its day, but its day has long since passed it by. It’s not terrible, it’s just far too mediocre to be worth reprinting.



One last note: Number of Griffins in the entirety of Magic, as of this writing? 42.

Number of Griffins in all of Mirage block? 7.



Yes, Zuberi gets better the more Griffins get printed, but that’s about ALL that it has with Zuberi, besides the “Z” name.

{Footnotes}