No Reservations II, pt. 10d—Mirage

{U liek crabs, amirite? Course u do, errbody lieks crabs. Softshell crabs, spidercrabs, neoplasmics, carbs 4 err body!}

Malignant Growth 54

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Aside from being a little too slow, costly, and beneficial to your opponents for Standard, Malignant Growth suffers from what I’m calling “The Aboroth Problem”: back before the Rules Team hit upon the idea to use age counters for cumulative upkeep, keeping track of it was a bit of a memory issue, so some cards were designed to use counters of various & sundry types. Once the fix of age counters was devised, these cards now are forced to generate two different counter types.



It has always been my position that this isn’t a problem so long as two radically different colored dice are used, but I can understand the reticence towards the subject. However, I still hold out hope for a Commander that rewards based on the utilization of the greatest number of unique counter types among counter types used.

{”It tells me that goose-stepping morons such as yourself should try reading books instead of burning them!”}

Mangara’s Tome¹ 147

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Mangara’s Tome and Doomsday both do essentially the same thing: guarantee exactly what your next five draws will be. However, the Tome does it so much slower and clunkier than Doomsday, that despite the blindingly obviously dangerous levels of combo potential, I’m confident that Mangara’s Tome is safe for Standard.

{Do you want Illithid-Ant hybrids? Because that’s how you get Illithid-Ant hybrids!}

Mindbender Spores 148, downgraded from to .

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Are an extra three turns of being frozen worth a 6-point penalty to toughness? Considering that that now leaves the creature so weak that it can only survive a fight with a Little Girl, I’m not so sure.



All of this is a roundabout way of saying that Mindbender Spores’ fragility in all likelihood renders it GRAS for the Standard ungulate.²

{”Hello, is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home?”}

Misers’ Cage³ 149, downgraded from to , to match the provided examples.

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Misers’ Cage, like its mirror-twin, Paupers’ Cage, is an analogue of another artifact from Alpha. For a near-comprehensive list, refer to DarthParallax.



This and Paupers’ Cage both have pretty metal flavor texts.

{What the fuck were they thinking?}

Mist Dragon 59

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To all my goyishe readers out there, hold onto your dicks, because it’s about to get very Jewish in here⁴.



Cards like Mist Dragon always remind me of the song Dayenu⁵–It Would Have Been Enough. This can be either a good thing, like when you read a card, and each ability makes it even better, or it can be a horribly bad thing, like when each ability on its own is reason enough to never let it see the light of day ever again, but they just keep adding on more abilities that are just as egregious as the previous ones, as is the case with Mist Dragon



If they had only given it just one of the flying/loses flying activated abilities, so that it could be hit by one of the more common at the time mass-burn categories of either “X damage to all creatures with flying” or “X damage to all creatures without flying”, DAYENU.



If they had just gone with the more standard limitation on those abilities of “until end of turn, DAYENU.



If only they hadn’t made those abilities cost just 0 each, DAYENU.



If only they didn’t also give it phasing, because reasons (like it isn’t already hard enough to get rid of…), DAYENU.



For each of these reasons, on their own, DAYENU to keep it on The Reserved List, but taken altogether, it makes the card an overpowered mistake.

{Remember how this episode started, with a crack about WotC learning from their mistakes by constantly repeating them? Well, it turns out that Mark Rosewater is the biggest offender in this category.}

Natural Balance 60

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MaRo wanted to “fix” Transmute Artifact, so he made Tinker.

MaRo wanted to “fix” Necropotence, so he made Yawgmoth’s Bargain.

MaRo wanted to “fix” Black Lotus, so he made Lion’s Eye Diamond.⁶

MaRo wanted to turn the concept of card advantage on its head, so he made threshold and dredge⁶.

MaRo wanted to “fix” Balance, so he made Natural Balance.



I have seen firsthand the disgusting-ass shenannygoats that are possible with Natural Balance, which is why I’m so comfortable keeping it right where it is.



One final note: WTF is up with the severed stone fingers in the art? What even is going on in there?

{Quoth the raven: “See, this is exactly the kind of card I had in mind for exceptions to the ‘World Enchantments get Piled’ guideline.”}

Null Chamber 150

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About a decade ago (good lord, where dos the time go?!), I used to watch StarCraft matches on Arirang. One of the most interesting features of those matches is that both participants each got to exclude a map they didn’t like from the match. Null Chamber is a lot like that, and if it was in Standard, I predict that it’d lead to a dramatic increase in the variety and diversity of wincons in decks, just as a workaround for this card. Sounds like a net-positive, doesn’t it?

{”Ok, just a little pinprick. *ding!* There’ll be no more ‘AAAAAAAAAAAUUGHH!’, but you may feel a little sick.”}

Paupers’ Cage 151, downgraded from to , because how apropos to have a card with Pauper in the name be legal in Pauper, amirite?, to match Misers’ Cage.

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Look, I know just how miserable it is to play against 8-Rack, so it’s incredibly difficult to give that deck even more toys, but the fact of the matter is that Paupers’ Cage is, on the whole, just as safe as Misers’ Cage, and I must maintain consistency.

{Serial Escalation for Fun and Profit}

Phyrexian Dreadnought 152

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If you do a Google search, I’m sure you’ll find some form or other of MaRo telling the tale of how in early Magic design, there was an unofficial competition to see who could get the biggest creature printed. First, there was an 8/8. Then, there was a 9/9. Then, there was a 10/10. Then, an 11/11! And then, a 12/12! But, a 12/12 isn’t impressive enough, so how about a 12/12 that only costs ?!



Yeah, early Magic design was silly like that, yo, but Phyrexian Dreadnought has a certain strange, Johnny/Jenny charm to it. Plus, it’s stood the test of time, whereas when was the last time you heard anything about Colossus of Sardia or Polar Kraken?

{At what point does the sheer number of comboable cards preclude a Listed card’s parole? Genuinely curious.}

Phyrexian Purge 153

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The fact that Phyrexian Purge is already legal in Commander pretty much renders the question moot, or at least my concerns about the card. Gatherer has some pretty good combos for Phyrexian Purge.

{As MaRo’s said, repeatedly: “The best way to show that a color can’t do a thing is to not let that color do that thing, not allow it to do that thing at a terrible rate.”}

Phyrexian Tribute 119

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The Gatherer comments section says it best.

{Oh look, another Listed card with a functional reprint!}

Political Trickery 154, downgraded from to .

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Ruling: Political Trickery is exonerated of all charges.



Its flavor text is pretty metal, though.

{Footnotes}