Post by sdfkjgh on Jan 4, 2019 7:13:18 GMT
So, I wanted to start this off with a link to Frank Caliendo’s bit where he impersonates Bill Clinton, talking about how ol’ Bill could lie right to your face and get away with it (“I am not here. I don’t know what you’re seeing, could be a hologram, could be a mirage, but it is not me.”), but I just couldn’t find the whole bit, only snippets of it. All of this would just be a rather roundabout way of introducing the latest episode of No Reservations II, part 10b: Mirage! Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends!
Step one in filling the rote formula: the recap from last week:
• 57 card Stay on The Reserved List.
• 131 cards get reprinted in Standard.
• 50 cards get reprinted in supplemental sets.
•113 cards that should never have been.
• Dark Ritual has been added to The New Revised Reserved List.
•Naked Singularity, Bronze Tablet, Jeweled Bird, Rebirth, Tempest Efreet, and Rishadan Port have been retroactively added to the list of cards that should never have been.
BSQ: 301/358, or 84.07821229050279%.
Let’s get going.
And we are done!
• 57 card stay on The Reserved List.
• 139 cards reprinted in Standard (with, in this episode, Carrion, Chaosphere, Circle of Despair, & Osama Djinn Laden each downgraded from
to 
; and Divine Retribution & Energy Bolt both downgraded from to 
).
• 50 cards reprinted in supplemental sets.
•117 cards that must be purged, with fire, from the timestream.
• Dark Ritual has been added to The New Revised Reserved List.
•Naked Singularity, Bronze Tablet, Jeweled Bird, Rebirth, Tempest Efreet, and Rishadan Port have been retroactively added to the list of cards that should also be purged with fire.
BSQ: 313/370, or 84.{bar}594%. Over half a percent gain. That seems a little troubling, especially this late in the game.
nehoo, that was part 2/5 of Mirage, this is me thanking Daij_Djan for all of his help with editing and coding, and this is you, planning to come back next week for part 3.
Goodnight everybody!
Step one in filling the rote formula: the recap from last week:
• 57 card Stay on The Reserved List.
• 131 cards get reprinted in Standard.
• 50 cards get reprinted in supplemental sets.
•
• Dark Ritual has been added to The New Revised Reserved List.
•
BSQ: 301/358, or 84.07821229050279%.
Let’s get going.
{Thanks to Deadshot, we have one card directly addressing another in its flavor text.}
Carrion 132, downgraded from to , to match provided example.
Price
Mercy Killing is, objectively, a more powerful card than Carrion, so why is Carrion still on The List? What exactly is so scary about it?
P.s. Deadshot.
Carrion 132, downgraded from
to , to match provided example.Price
Mercy Killing is, objectively, a more powerful card than Carrion, so why is Carrion still on The List? What exactly is so scary about it?
P.s. Deadshot.
{I can explain why the Oracle wording differs from the printed wording, but still matches functionality, with the help of an email from Monty Ashley.}
Catacomb Dragon 133
Price
Of this 5-card cycle, only Pearl Dragon and Volcanic Dragon are GRAS. So, the two most boring members. Ok, Volcanic Dragon is boring in a solid workhorse manner, being reprinted 6 times, so it kinda gets a pass for being a roleplayer, if a bit of a stolid one.
But Pearl Dragon is aggressively boring, with that weird butt-pumping ability that no one, not even Doran can bring themselves to care about.
Anyway, here’s the Monty Ashley explanation, as promised:
Catacomb Dragon 133
Price
{How is this any more or less deserving of its Reserved List status than any other 6 mana Dragon?}
Every 6 mana Dargon
Every 6 mana Dargon
Of this 5-card cycle, only Pearl Dragon and Volcanic Dragon are GRAS. So, the two most boring members. Ok, Volcanic Dragon is boring in a solid workhorse manner, being reprinted 6 times, so it kinda gets a pass for being a roleplayer, if a bit of a stolid one.
But Pearl Dragon is aggressively boring, with that weird butt-pumping ability that no one, not even Doran can bring themselves to care about.
Anyway, here’s the Monty Ashley explanation, as promised:
| 000 | “They're rounding different things. The printed version of Catacomb Dragon is telling you to round up when you halve the creature's power. The Oracle version gives -X/-0, with X equal to half the craeture's [sic]1 power and rounds X down. This works out the same. Picture a creature with 5 power. If you halve the power, rounded down, you get 2.5, rounded up to 3. Power: 3. If you give it -X/-0, with X equal to half the creature's power, X is 2.5, and it has to be rounded down to 2 in order to make the creature's power end up at 3. -Monty” |
{It’s almost worth it to create a new category, Cards That Themselves Shouldn’t Be Reprinted, But Deserve a More Modern Functional Reprint, but then I realize that this would prolly be the only card that qualifies2. Plus, there’s also Porphyry Nodes, which gives the lie to the whole “No functional reprints” aspect of The Reserved List…}
Chaosphere 134, downgraded from to .
Price
I guess Bazaar of Wonders opened the floodgates on World Enchantments. We always knew we’d eventually be ruling in favor of reprinting World Enchantments, once they started actually getting interesting and playable. Although, truth be told, I really dislike the entire World supertype, and wish to redo them all as regular, (mostly) functionally identical Enchantments.
Reprinting Chaosphere proper is the first step to printing a proper version of Chaosphere, one without that silly World supertype.
Chaosphere 134, downgraded from
to .Price
{Similar Effects}
Dense Canopy
Price
Gravity Well
Price
Invert the Skies
Price
Archetype of Imagination
Price
Dense Canopy
Price
Gravity Well
Price
Invert the Skies
Price
Archetype of Imagination
Price
I guess Bazaar of Wonders opened the floodgates on World Enchantments. We always knew we’d eventually be ruling in favor of reprinting World Enchantments, once they started actually getting interesting and playable. Although, truth be told, I really dislike the entire World supertype, and wish to redo them all as regular, (mostly) functionally identical Enchantments.
Reprinting Chaosphere proper is the first step to printing a proper version of Chaosphere, one without that silly World supertype.
{Leshrac_Nightwalker has the right idea.}
Circle of Despair 135, downgraded from to .
Price
I quote:
Circle of Despair 135, downgraded from
to .Price
{I’ll take “Cards that obsolete this card” for $200, Alex.}
Martyr’s Cause
Price
“Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost Fanatical Devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms…oh, damn!”
Price
Martyr’s Cause
Price
“Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost Fanatical Devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms…oh, damn!”
Price
I quote:
| 000 | “This is one of the first   cards ever printed (it came from the same set as Purgatory), and I think it is a very nifty design. It mixes black sacrificial magic with white damage prevention to create a very cost efficient, very intuitive evolution of the Circle of Protection cards. Effectively, it's an early CoP that works on any colour, but which demands an accordingly steeper activation cost.In game terms, though, nibelheim_valesti is absolutely right - there's virtually no reason you would run this in place of Martyr's Cause today. That's just the way the game evolves, which is too bad for this interesting multicolour card. Posted By: Leshrac_Nightwalker (12/7/2010 10:16:05 AM)” |
{And to think I was actually starting to miss the utter trash.}
Cycle of Life114
Price
You know, it’s not all that hard to put one or more +1/+1 counters on a single creature, or even multiple creatures at a time. The myriad ways are too numerous to list, so let’s just move straight on to the review.
I think Cycle of Life was meant to improve upon Cocoon3. Well, that’s just great, you’ve managed to upgrade from garbage to trash! Y’know what’s better than either of those cards? Primal Cocoon. Y’know what’s even better than that? Forced Adaptation!
“Oh, but you can cast it and bounce it multiple times a turn, targeting the same creature--“
NOBODY. FUCKING. CARES! They don’t come any weaker than 0/1, without Rules Lawyer kicking the door down just to make Judges cry.
Cycle of Life
Price
You know, it’s not all that hard to put one or more +1/+1 counters on a single creature, or even multiple creatures at a time. The myriad ways are too numerous to list, so let’s just move straight on to the review.
I think Cycle of Life was meant to improve upon Cocoon3. Well, that’s just great, you’ve managed to upgrade from garbage to trash! Y’know what’s better than either of those cards? Primal Cocoon. Y’know what’s even better than that? Forced Adaptation!
“Oh, but you can cast it and bounce it multiple times a turn, targeting the same creature--“
NOBODY. FUCKING. CARES! They don’t come any weaker than 0/1, without Rules Lawyer kicking the door down just to make Judges cry.
{Yippee, two in a row! /sarcasm}
Discordant Spirit115
Price
I’m sorry, Wedge. I’m sorry I ever begged for a Worst Cards Ever video. I now share your pain of having to wade through this feces. Discordant is right, this is a catastrophony of suck.
And to all of you who mentioned Sundial of the Infinite, FUCK OFF, TRYHARDS!!!
Discordant Spirit
Price
{Y’know what’s fun? Not ever losing those +1/+1 counters!}
Paladin of Atonement
Price
Elenda, the Dusk Rose
Price
Paladin of Atonement
Price
Elenda, the Dusk Rose
Price
I’m sorry, Wedge. I’m sorry I ever begged for a Worst Cards Ever video. I now share your pain of having to wade through this feces. Discordant is right, this is a catastrophony of suck.
And to all of you who mentioned Sundial of the Infinite, FUCK OFF, TRYHARDS!!!
{How is this any different from any other “Federation”-style combat trick?}
Divine Retribution 136, downgraded from to .
Price
I have a couple theories as to why Divine Retribution is on The Reserved List:
1.) The card was supposed to work exactly how it was originally printed, so you could spread the damage around however you want, in discreet, 1 damage packets. This was considered too good at the time (it’s still pretty powerful today), so they nerfed it all to hell with errata, but by that time, it was too late to prevent it from getting Listed.
2.) The card is, was, and always will be supposed to work exactly as errataed, and those in charge of The Reserved List just have absolutely no fucking clue what they’re doing.
Neither one instills confidence in the competency of those in charge at WotC, unfortunately.
“Federation”-style combat trick?}Divine Retribution 136, downgraded from
to .Price
{Srsly, how is this any different from Gideon’s Reproach?}
What I mean by “Federation” is MaRo’s classic example of’s combat philosophy, from Star Trek: Only ever retaliate, never attack outright.
Devouring Light
Price
Even a card that’s sort of a mirror-opposite clone is correctly set at.
Price
What I mean by “Federation” is MaRo’s classic example of
’s combat philosophy, from Star Trek: Only ever retaliate, never attack outright.Devouring Light
Price
Even a card that’s sort of a mirror-opposite clone is correctly set at
.Price
I have a couple theories as to why Divine Retribution is on The Reserved List:
1.) The card was supposed to work exactly how it was originally printed, so you could spread the damage around however you want, in discreet, 1 damage packets. This was considered too good at the time (it’s still pretty powerful today), so they nerfed it all to hell with errata, but by that time, it was too late to prevent it from getting Listed.
2.) The card is, was, and always will be supposed to work exactly as errataed, and those in charge of The Reserved List just have absolutely no fucking clue what they’re doing.
Neither one instills confidence in the competency of those in charge at WotC, unfortunately.
{Ever see a card that makes you wanna facepalm so hard, just thinking about the facepalming beforehand makes you feel like you’ve already given yourself the concussion?}
Sandwich Chef meme: “This is Emberwilde Caliph. It is made of fail and pain!116
Price
It is the will of Zedruu that you have this burning pile of dogshit. I’ll just be over here, drawing some cards, safe behind my Wall of Denial.
Beyond that, I got nothin’.
Sandwich Chef meme: “This is Emberwilde Caliph. It is made of fail and pain!
Price
{Somebody please break out the barbeque, I wanna burn this thing right now!}
Every 4-mana card that has or mentions both flying and trample
Every 4-mana card that has or mentions both flying and trample
It is the will of Zedruu that you have this burning pile of dogshit. I’ll just be over here, drawing some cards, safe behind my Wall of Denial.
Beyond that, I got nothin’.
{WannabeJedi1337 is right, this IS Osama Djinn Laden!}
Emberwilde Djinn 137, downgraded from to .
Price
I can just picture a multiplayer game where control of Osama Djinn Laden just devolves into a full-on Benny Hill. I was gonna suggest this strictly for supplemental reprinting, but then I looked at the other 7 cards in its category, and realized that not only is it so nothing special that it’d be safe for Standard, since it lacks haste, it should be downgraded.
Emberwilde Djinn 137, downgraded from
to .Price
{Would that the Djinn had haste, to make its stats actually matter. As is, it’s just a game of “Hot Diamond”4.}
4 mana, 5 power fliers
4 mana, 5 power fliers
I can just picture a multiplayer game where control of Osama Djinn Laden just devolves into a full-on Benny Hill. I was gonna suggest this strictly for supplemental reprinting, but then I looked at the other 7 cards in its category, and realized that not only is it so nothing special that it’d be safe for Standard, since it lacks haste, it should be downgraded.
{Can we all agree that Invoke the Firemind is just disappointing enough to be considered a bad/mediocre card?}
So, when a card aspires to be as good as a disappointingly bad/mediocre card, we can just lop that “/mediocre” right off! 138, downgraded from to .
Price
I’m willing to be that if Energy Bolt was printed today, it’d look like this:
Energy Bolt
Instant
Energy Bolt deals X damage to any target if
was spent to cast it. Target player gains X life if was spent to cast it. (Do both if was spent.)
Mebbe it’d have its damage still restricted to players and planeswalkers, and if so, mebbe its mana cost would be reduced by, but as is, Energy Bolt is just draft filler, at best.
So, when a card aspires to be as good as a disappointingly bad/mediocre card, we can just lop that “/mediocre” right off! 138, downgraded from
to .Price
{Counterexamples}
Lightning Helix
Price
Warleader’s Helix
Price
Intervention
Price
Invoke the Firemind
Price
Explosion
Price
Dawnglow Infusion
Price
Lightning Helix
Price
Warleader’s Helix
Price
Intervention
Price
Invoke the Firemind
Price
Explosion
Price
Dawnglow Infusion
Price
I’m willing to be that if Energy Bolt was printed today, it’d look like this:
Energy Bolt
Instant
Energy Bolt deals X damage to any target if
was spent to cast it. Target player gains X life if was spent to cast it. (Do both if was spent.)Mebbe it’d have its damage still restricted to players and planeswalkers, and if so, mebbe its mana cost would be reduced by
, but as is, Energy Bolt is just draft filler, at best.{NOOOOOOOOO!}
BAD CARD! BAD! WHY WOULD YO BREAK THE COLOR PIE LIKE THAT?! WHY WOULD YOU DO IT SO JANKILY?!117
Price
For those of you who didn’t get the reference.
BAD CARD! BAD! WHY WOULD YO BREAK THE COLOR PIE LIKE THAT?! WHY WOULD YOU DO IT SO JANKILY?!
Price
{Oh look, blue gold!}
”The Prince thanks you for your hospitality, and for your eyes, and for your tongue…”
Price
”The Prince thanks you for your hospitality, and for your eyes, and for your tongue…”
Price
For those of you who didn’t get the reference.
{Scheiße, I’m glad this is over!}
Forsaken Wastes5 139
Price
I’ll admit, the more World Enchantments I release into the wild, the more their supertype will matter, and the unhappier about that functionality mattering I’ll get, but these are actually interesting/playable enough to warrant it. However, if I had my way, I’d redo Forsaken Wastes thusly:
Minion of the Forsaken Wastes
Legendary Creature—Minion
Trample
Players can't gain life.
At the beginning of each player's upkeep, that player loses 1 life.
Whenever Minion of the Forsaken Wastes becomes the target of a spell or ability, counter that spell or ability unless its controller pays 5 life.
5/5
Forsaken Wastes5 139
Price
I’ll admit, the more World Enchantments I release into the wild, the more their supertype will matter, and the unhappier about that functionality mattering I’ll get, but these are actually interesting/playable enough to warrant it. However, if I had my way, I’d redo Forsaken Wastes thusly:
Minion of the Forsaken Wastes
Legendary Creature—Minion
Trample
Players can't gain life.
At the beginning of each player's upkeep, that player loses 1 life.
Whenever Minion of the Forsaken Wastes becomes the target of a spell or ability, counter that spell or ability unless its controller pays 5 life.
5/5
And we are done!
• 57 card stay on The Reserved List.
• 139 cards reprinted in Standard (with, in this episode, Carrion, Chaosphere, Circle of Despair, & Osama Djinn Laden each downgraded from
to ; and Divine Retribution & Energy Bolt both downgraded from to ).• 50 cards reprinted in supplemental sets.
•
• Dark Ritual has been added to The New Revised Reserved List.
•
BSQ: 313/370, or 84.{bar}594%. Over half a percent gain. That seems a little troubling, especially this late in the game.
nehoo, that was part 2/5 of Mirage, this is me thanking Daij_Djan for all of his help with editing and coding, and this is you, planning to come back next week for part 3.
Goodnight everybody!
{Footnotes}
| 1 | I’m reminded of that old joke, “Misspellings make me [sic]!” |
| 0 | 0 |
| 2 | Ral: But what about-- Shut up! You know damn well that Rishadan Port has been added, so quit trying to cause problems. Ral: Isn’t trying to cause problems the whole reason you created this version of me, so that you could give a voice to that aspect of your own psyche? SHUTUP! |
| 0 | 0 |
| 3 | Yes, that’s a real Magic card, I checked. |
| 0 | 0 |
| 4 | Like Hot Potato, but instead of everyone trying to get rid of it, everyone’s trying to steal it. |
| 0 | 0 |
| 5 | Note the very early “Kevin Walker” artist credit. That’s so adorable! |