Post by sdfkjgh on Dec 14, 2018 5:10:30 GMT
| 12:55p, 7/7/14 |
| 000000 | “I’m sorry, Father, but this is something I must do.” |
| 000000 | “But why NOW? The crops are ready to be harvested, and all my fieldhands are out sick with the flu. I NEED you here!” |
| 000000 | “I’m sorry, but I must go. I can’t quite explain it, but I NEED to do this. I promise I’ll be back before dark.” |
| 000000 | “Go, then. But I’m disappointed by your priorities.” |
That was ten days ago. As I lay here bleeding, clutching the only thing I brought with me on this journey (my guitar), I wonder what could have possessed me to go through with this insane compulsion. I haven’t eaten anything all day, my throat is dry as a bone, I’m so exhausted I barely have the energy to form cohesive thoughts, I just had to kill my only friend in the world, and I fear I may die soon.
And yet, something still drives me onwards, filling me with purpose from I know not where, to do I know not what. Got to drag my sorry carcass up out of this cave, and do what I came here for. Not just for myself anymore, or for this monomaniacal thing that won’t let me stop, but for HIM.
For Kuma-san!
When I first got to the foot of Sukoshiyama, I saw a store there that I’d never seen before.
Torgle’s Music Shop
GRAND OPENING!
Yes, we repair guitars!
All our merchandise GUARANTEED to float.
COME VISIT TORGLE’S OTHER LOCATION!
Just as I was about to pass in front of the front door, a very old man; bald on top; corona’d of wild, unkempt hair & bushy eyebrows, both as white as death; with a beard that looked like it it’d be a severe walking hazard for anybody within a 3m radius of him, were it not for the fact that it had been looped through the beltloops of his pants, to be used as a makeshift belt*; burst out of the shop brandishing a crowbar, with a wild look in his eyes that seemed to indicate I don’t know what; maybe somewhere beneath all the crazy: joy/relief at seeing someone else after who knows how many years of isolation, greed at seeing a customer, hunger at seeing a walking smorgasbord, I’ll never know.
| 000000 | *On closer inspection, it turned out that not only was his beard being used to hold up his pants, but that his pants had been woven from his beard, and then what was left was used as a belt! |
| 000000 | “Heythereyoungwhippersnapper! Say,that’samightyfineguitaryou’vegotthere! Icouldrepairitforyou,don’tchaknow;Irepairguitars. And boats. Guitarsandboats! Saysoonthesign! So, howzaboutit, you need your guitar repaired? I could do you a Willie Nelson special right here!” |
Who could blame me for running screaming from such an apparition?
I didn’t know where I was going, only that I HAD to get away from that THING! I was running scared, blind, & stupid, so it was inevitable that I’d smack into something.
| 000000 | RrrRoooOAAAARRrrrr |
There, towering over me was a huge brown bear, in full threat position! It had to be at least 3m tall. I was scared out of my mind. My first instinct was to bash it over the head with my guitar, but just as I had brought it around from my back, just before I snapped my wrists to deliver the blow, something stopped me. Good thing, too, because otherwise that bear’s paw would’ve taken my head off. Instead, it disemboweled my poor guitar. I didn’t stick around for another attack, so, ruined hunk of wood & strings still in hand, I bolted back the way I came, not even knowing if that bear was chasing after me, but praying to anything & everything I could think of that it wasn’t.
That was my first trek up Sukoshiyama during this whole ordeal.
By the time I realized this, I was back at Torgle’s. He was waiting for me in the doorway, leaning against the frame, crowbar still in hand, with a smug smile on his face. While I was catching my breath, he started in with his sales pitch again.
| 000000 | “Knew you’d be back as soon as I saw what direction you ran in. So, can I fix your guitar now?” |
| 000000 | “How in the world could you have known–“ |
He pointed to a sign just outside the forest I had run out of.
0
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| 000000 | “I don’t suppose you have anything to eat?” |
| 000000 | “Got a pot of rice bubbling in the corner. Come right in & help yourself.” |
I rushed over to the pot and started filling a bowl, then my face.
| 000000 | “¥100 per 350g” |
By this time, I was already halfway through my second bowl. Did I mention that compulsions rarely if ever get paired with planning things through?
| 000000 | “That’s ok, I’ll start you up a tab, although the look on your face just now has got to be worth about three bowls-worth! Everyone here thinks I’m crazy for offering such easy credit, but I say ‘Screw ‘em!’ THEY’RE the ones who’re missing out on customers. Besides, I’LL be the one who’s laughing when IT HAPPENS…” |
I was too hungry & overwhelmed by the craziness of this day to notice this deeper level of crazy. I was only too glad that he was willing to fix my guitar & let me eat his rice when I had nothing on me but the clothes on my back.
After seven hours; fifteen hurricanes of invective that made me pass out in shame, horror, & embarrassment each time; two explosions; and one screaming charge at his back room with a large fish held high over his head (don’t ask), Torgle had finally repaired my guitar.
| 000000 | “Thank you, Senpai. And I wish to apologize earlier for my rudeness in running away from you.” |
| 000000 | “Think nothing of it! I know exactly how I must've looked to you, so I take no offense whatsoever. Plus, I knew that’d you’d need my help, seeing as how I’m a major plot device!” |
| 000000 | “Plot dev–” |
| 000000 | “Now go! Be on your way! And THIS time, watch out for bears where you’re going!” |
As I set out, once again, through the forest, Torgle called out to me.
| 000000 | “And if you see Wagoto-san anywhere, or even just his corpse, tell him he still owes me ¥250,000,000 for that fishing vessel I built him! Ah, who the hell am I kidding, he’d been dead for six years by the time I was born, and that was, what, I think back with ol’ Taishō! Better yet, here! ,just give his ship back to him, & tell him he’s lucky it’d cost me too much to hire someone to get the money back from him!” |
With this being said, he beaned the back of my head with a rather large daijo.
| 000000 | “Some of my finest work, too, I’m rather upset to say! That scrollwork on the 14th mizzenmast alone took me two years before I could even dream it up!” |
In a daze, I picked myself & the potato up off the ground, and headed on my way. That potato was pristine. There was even some dirt still on it from when Torgle’d dug it out of the ground. My guess is–
| 000000 | “And watch out for my Treasure-Hole! I just dug it this morning.” |
TRIP!
SLAM!!
Yep, that confirms it. Ow. Picking myself up off the ground, again, I made my way into the forest.
I must have gotten completely lost, because I was no closer to any sort of mountainous incline, and it was already getting dark. Why was I on this quest? What did it all mean? What must my father think of me, breaking my promise to him? Isn’t it just a little too con–*yawn*–venient that ALL his fieldhands came down with the flu all at oncezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I awoke the next morning to find that bear’s face in my face.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!”
RrrrooooOOOOOOO!!!!!
This time, I did bash my guitar over its head.
I ran out of the forest, only to find that for some reason, a journey of several hours in, only took ten minutes coming out. I had no time to ponder over this mystery before I–
TRIP!
CRASH!!
I lifted myself up to see that around the original hole were several hundred new holes, arranged in a geometrical pattern that, in my dazed state, seemed to translate from some alien language into
吸盤
| 000000 | “So, how’s that guitar treating you these days?” |
| 000000 | “Torgle, what the hell?! Did you do all this?!” |
| 000000 | “All what?” |
I motioned at the holes with a wave of my hand.
| 000000 | “Damn raccoons! Be careful, some of them can get pretty excited while digging, & you DON’T wanna know how they do their digging! Just know that if something feels wet, it’s…best just to not think about it.” |
For the hundredth time, I questioned why I was on this quest.
| 000000 | “I take it you need another repair.” |
| 000000 | “I ran into that bear again. You got any guns?” |
| 000000 | “I’m…not allowed to have them; not after that incident in ’98, and ESPECIALLY not after that other incident in ’02.” |
| 000000 | “Well, what am I supposed to do about that bear?” |
| 000000 | “Just back away slowly. He’s prolly more afraid of you than you are of it.” |
| 000000 | “I thought that you were supposed to make yourself seem as big as possible.” |
| 000000 | “Well, sure, if’n you want a confrontation! Best just to walk away slowly.” |
| paused 8:12p, 7/7/14 resumed 12:11p, 7/9/14 |
Five hours, seven minutes, 3 seconds, eight cuss-filled tirades (two of which somehow brought some minor oni into being), one exorcism, 4 wrestling matches with imaginary beings, and a nice, quiet, very pleasant lunchbreak later, Torgle had once again completed repairs on my guitar. During the lunchbreak, we had a rather interesting philosophical debate.
| 000000 | “Y’know, that guitar of yours reminds me of the Theseus’ Boat problem.” |
| 000000 | “I’m not sure I know of what you speak.” |
| 000000 | “Ain’cha never read th’ Classics, boy?!” |
| 000000 | “Well, I’ve read The Romance of the Three–“ |
At this point, Torgle smacked me upside the head quite hard.
| 000000 | “Get yer head outta your asinine hemispherocentric worldview, you snot-nosed little punk! I’m talking about Plutarch.” |
| 000000 | “Well, what about it?” |
| 000000 | “You really don’t know, do you? What do they teach you kidzes in school these days?! I wonder.” |
| 000000 | “Would you just tell your frikkin’ story already?!” |
| 000000 | “Fine, fine! Well, after Theseus & the other Athenian kidzes returned from Crete, they put that boat up on skids as a reminder of all the Great Deeds Done That Day. All fine & good. The only problem is that Athens, being rather close to the sea, had & still has quite a history of woodrot. So, every so often, they’d need to replace a plank or two. The question is, can they still claim it’s the original boat?” |
| 000000 | “I think I remember my Sensei explaining something similar with a heap of sand.” |
| 000000 | “Alright, good! At least you’re learning SOMETHING of value in school!” |
| 000000 | “No, I think it was actually a lesson about impermanence being the natural order of all things.” |
Here, Torgle gave me an evil look.
| 000000 | “Either that, or how to solve this riddle by expanding your consciousness into 4th-dimensional spacetime & taking individual 3-dimentional slices within the fourth dimension into consideration.” |
| 000000 | “Don’t get cute, boy!” |
We finished our lunch in silence, with Torgle eyeing daggers at me the whole time.
| 000000 | “Your guitar should be finished by now. Take it & go; I need to close up for the lunchtime rush!” |
Torgle’s shop was in the middle of nowhere, with only the Kumata Wagoto Woods & Sukoshiyama to serve as markers that there’s a here here. Other than myself, I had no idea who would come to this place, how they would get here, why they would come, or even what Torgle could possibly mean, unless he was just trying to get rid of me–
| 000000 | “That’s exactly it!” |
–for showing him up!
| 000000 | “Now wait just a durned-blamed minute, you impudent little whippersnapper!” |
But, I had too far to go, & I’d been too long waylaid from my journey to tarry any longer.
| 000000 | “You get your impudent ass back here right now, mister!–“ |
And so, stepping lightly over the holes (which now seemed to spell out 力む), I made my way back into the forest–
| 000000 | “Don’t you walk away from me!” |
–and once again, onward to my destiny.
This time, I made sure to follow a path, noting each time that I came upon my own footprints.
I only realized how stupid a method of navigation this was when I passed the same rock for the third time.
| 000000 | “WHY AM I ON THIS JOURNEY?! WHAT COULD POSSIBLY POSSESS ME TO DO THIS?! WHY CAN’T I STOP?! WHAT CRUEL FORCE WOULD DERIVE PLEASURE FROM MANIPULATING MY FATE SO, ONLY TO CONFOUND ME AT EVERY TURN?! WHY AM I BEING SO MELODRAMATIC?!!” |
Taking a minute (or three) to calm down & catch my breath, I heard the sound of footsteps behind me.
| 000000 | “Oh, thank god, a fellow traveler! Boy, you must be as exhausted as I am, for you to be dragging your feet–“ |
Turning around, I saw a hideous, shambling, thing; a mockery of the human form and all of Nature.
| 000000 | “–like that. Oh god why?!” |
I immediately started running in the opposite direction. I’ll admit I may have gotten a little bit hysterical, but considering the past couple of days, I’d say I handled myself with measured aplomb.
| 000000 | “HAVEN’T I SUFFERED ENOUGH?! WHAT COULD I HAVE POSSBLY DONE, IN THIS LIFE OR ANY OTHER, TO DESERVE BEING PURSUED BY–and I can’t believe I’m saying this, and I almost disbelieve my saying it more than I disbelieve what’s currently happening to me– ZOMBIES?! WAS BREAKING A PROMISE TO MY FATHER REALLY THAT BAD?! SHOULD I BE WORRIED THAT I CAN’T REMEMBER ANY PART OF MY LIFE BEFORE THAT CONVERSATION I HAD WITH HIM?! Waitaminute! THAT’S IT!!! There’s only one of them! Some quick skull- music bashwork with the ol’guitar, yet another trip back to Torgle’s (grrr), and I can be back on my–“ |
Turning around, I saw three hideous, shambling, things; mockeries of the human form and all of Nature.
| 000000 | “–way. JUST GREAT! WHAT ELSE COULD GO WRONG?!” |
Turning back around, I saw the bear.
| 000000 | “Y’KNOW WHAT?! FUCK IT! IF MY LIFE IS GOING TO DEVOLVE INTO CARTOON LOGIC, I MAY AS WELL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT!!” |
Turning back around again, I saw seventeen–
| 000000 | “Nope, THAT’S not gonna work!” |
Turning back towards the bear, I saw that he was replaced by five clown zombies.
| 000000 | “Sure, why the hell not?!” |
Pirouetting around, I found that the three zombies were replaced by the bear, who was starting to rear on its hind legs.
| 000000 | Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr– |
| 000000 | “Nope! I’d still rather face a single zombie!” |
Putting a bit more effort into my pirouetting–
| 000000 | “& I certainly don’t remember any ballet lessons!” |
–I turn to find the clown zombies replaced by TWO bears, each a mirror image of the other. I may have gone slightly mad at this point.
| 000000 | “Y’know what, fuck it! I’m just gonna turn around once more, & charge at whatever’s in my way, guitar swinging. Bearpeople, zombiepeople, it’s been an honor to serve with you in this overly long gag!” |
I closed my eyes, raised my guitar high, turned around, and just started swinging & running, screaming insanities at the top of my already overused lungs the whole way.
| 000000 | “GYAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHABBLB LBLBBBLBLBLBLBBLFLFABBDUBLABFA VVBUNWEAVNRWOBERTPBPAERPNV!!!!” |
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| 000000 | *tingle* |
| 000000 | “Welcome to Torgle’s Music Shop, can I help–oh.” |
| 000000 | “YOU GOT ANY WEAPONS?!” |
| 000000 | “Well, looks to me like you’ve been doing pretty well with your guitar–“ |
| 000000 | “I DON’T WANT TO EVEN HEAR ABOUT MY GUITAR! IF YOU CAN FIX IT, FINE! IF YOU CAN STRENGTHEN &/OR REINFORCE IT, EVEN BETTER!!! USING ALL-HARD&STRONG-METAL CONSTRUCTION, PERFECT!!! BUT IN THE MEANTIME, I! NEED! WEAPONS!!! |
| 000000 | “I just sell musical instruments here. I-I-I got a balsawood flute.” |
| 000000 | “WEAPONS, TORGLE! WEAPONS!!” |
| 000000 | “I-I-In the right hands, all weapons are tools; in the wrong hands, all tools are weapons.” |
| 000000 | “Look, I’m sorry about that. I’ve calmed down, see? It’s just this day I’ve been having. You might want to board up your windows & doors–“ |
| 000000 | “And lose out on valued customers?!” |
| 000000 | “But there’s–oh, god, I still don’t believe I’m saying this–there’s zombies about!” |
| 000000 | “Well, what’d you go bothering their zomhive for? Damned foolish idea, if you ask me. We need them to pollinate the zomflowers! They’re having a hard enough time as it is, what with the Zomony Collapse Disorder.” |
| 000000 | “” “” “” “Torgle, there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with you!” |
| 000000 | “Yep! Eighteen hundred yeards, and not a single, concrete diagnosis! They tried giving me one in plasticine, I told ‘em ‘Nope! It’s gotta be in concrete! Now, I could settle for quickcrete–‘“ |
| 000000 | “Torgle.” |
| 000000 | “‘–or even Souda, Crete–‘“ |
| 000000 | “TORgle!” |
| 000000 | “‘–or even quicklime! But it’s GOT to be–‘“ |
| 000000 | “TOR-GLE!!” |
| 000000 | “What?!” |
| 000000 | “What about that thing over there?” |
Off in a corner of Torgle’s shop was what I can only describe as what would happen if Heironymous Bosch had been shown the Hiroshima & Nagasaki bombings, in full detail, set to blazing deathmetal, and then told to design a guitar that reflected exactly what he just saw & how it made him feel. I don’t know why I never noticed it before, but once I saw it, I couldn’t believe how blind & stupid I was for not seeing it. Just being in the same room as it made me want to go through several hours-long decontamination sessions. Just by its mere existing, it felt as though it was violating several precepts of the Geneva Conventions and the Geneva Protocol, & every single letter of the Hague Conventions.
| 000000 | “Oh, that? That’s my Pride & Joy! I’ve got Alexi Laiho, Gene Simmons, Ozzy Ozbourne, & Skwisgaar Skwigelf in a bidding war over it!” |
| 000000 | “How about I don’t kill you right now with it, and instead use it to take out all the shambling undead roaming the countryside?” |
| 000000 | “Sold!” |
| 000000 | “Really? Just like that? I thought this’d be a bit harder.” |
| 000000 | “Y’know, in case you hadn’t noticed, I’m kinda curlew as a loon, here.” |
I went to reach for the Affront to All That Is Peaceful, when Torgle suddenly stayed my hand.
| 000000 | “Don’t let skin touch it until you’re ready to vanquish your enemies. I’ll pack it up in burlap, give you some lead-lined gloves, and–wait. Y’know what? What the hell am I thinking?! The bidding had gotten up to £17.1 million, the soul of a roadie, Dr. Rockso’s nose, & all the bats I can eat! Why on earth would I jeopardize spiky-clownnosed bat & money stew night (with special guest, some roadie’s soul!) just for you?! Gimme those!” |
Here he promptly took back the burlap sack & lead-lined gloves.
| 000000 | “Why don’t I just give you a Huntsman’s Special.” |
The Huntsman’s Special was, well, washbasin guitars featured in its ancestry, but not as much as double-headed axes from ancient Valhallas of Lumberjackdom.
| 000000 | “Like it? I call that one ‘Ohno’.” |
| 000000 | “Torgle, how many of these do you have?” |
| 000000 | “Seventeen! Plus another 272 in back. They sound terrible, but the kids seem to love ‘em!” |
| paused 5:52p, 7/9/14 (needed a break from Torgle’s crazy) resumed 12:41p, 7/10/14 |
| 000000 | “Torgle, I’m a little on edge right now, what with the ordeal I’ve been having, so you’ll need to excuse me if I seem a little murderously hostile. Now, I’m going to ask you a question, and I want you to answer me as sanely as you possibly can. I know I’m setting the bar rather low, for your consideration, but somehow I doubt that you’ll be able to clear even THIS reduced hurdle. |
| 000000 | “Now, there’s no call to be so rude about–“ |
| 000000 | “SHH!! Torgle, when I asked you if you had any weapons of any kind, just what on earth did you think I meant? What I now hold in my hand looks like it has not one, but TWO 10-body blades on it– |
| 000000 | “Eleven.” |
| 000000 | “ZZZP!! Your ‘Pride & Joy’, as you call it, looks like if any instrument were to actually SURVIVE the initial blast, would read the lower decibel registers in the gigaton range–“ |
| 000000 | “Yottaton.” |
| 000000 | “Torgle, I suspect the only thing that ISN’T a weapon of mass destruction is your goddamned balsawood flute!!!** Now, getting back to your irresponsibly sharp Huntsman’s Specials, why in any & every aspect of the Buddha would you have 172 of them?!” |
| 000000 000000 000000 000000 000000 000000 000000 000000 000000 000000 000000 000000 000000 000000 000000 000000 000000 000000 000000 000000 000000 |
|
| 000000 | “They come in all colors, one size fits all?” |
| 000000 | “Thank you so much for proving me correct. Y’know what, I think I’d rather deal with the zombies–“ |
| 000000 | “Watch out for their stings!” |
| 000000 | “SHUTUP!! If you’re not dead by the time I get back, again, I expect my guitar to be complete.” |
| 000000 | “Hey, who’s your friend?” |
I looked out, and there was the bear, using military sign language to tell me that there were 100 zombies over the ridge 2 klicks to the north, at least three of which were my father’s fieldhands; why haven’t I called to let my father know how I’m doing, he’s worried about me; how much longer was I going to waste time with Torgle; and would I like to go out for pizza after all this is over?
| 000000 | “Screw it, I’m going to stop questioning things, & just go with it, come whatever craziness may.” |
And so, stepping over the holes:
. . . .. .... ... . .. ...
.. .. .. . . . .. . .
… .. . . . .. ... . .
.. .. . .. . . .. . ... ..
.. . .. ...
with Ohno over my shoulder–
| 000000 | “Go ahead & cut yourself, see if I care!” |
–I joined the bear to face my destiny.
I wish I could describe my first zombie kill to you as heroic, but all I can remember is flailing wildly & a bunch of stumbling around. That bear saved my life that day. I was stupid to be so cocky. I swung wide & embedded Ohno into a nearby tree trunk. Good thing my momentum pulled me out of the way before the zombie bit into my elbow. While that zombie was bearing down at me (hah), the bear swiped it away with its mighty paw. I just stood there, trying like mad to dislodge Ohno from the tree. The bear was pure growling fury, powerful strength & rending claws everywhere. By the time I had finally managed to pull Ohno free, that zombie was paste; unfortunately, I saw that all our noise had attracted two more, which were closing in on the bear.
| 000000 | “WATCH OUT!!!” |
I ran towards the impending fight, swinging Ohno over my head–
CHUNK!
TRIP!
SPLAT!
WHOOWHOOWHOO!
CHOK! CHUNK!
| 000000 | “AAAAAAAGH! GETITOFFME!!GETITOFFME!!!” |
Apparently, there was a third zombie right behind me, which my wild overhead swing quickly dispatched with ease. The difficult part came immediately after: trying to run with a 7kg weapon, held in an awkward position, that was suddenly carrying about 114 kilos of extra weight. The river stones didn’t help matters, either. As I went down, Ohno slipped from my fingers, flew through the air, split the closer zombie like a shoot being prepped for grafting, and buried itself through the other zombie’s face & head. Four down, at least 96 more to go…
| 000000 | “Thanks. You saved my life.” |
| 000000 | rowr |
| 000000 | “I gotta give you a name. I can’t keep calling you ‘the bear’ or ‘that bear’ anymore. I think I’ll call you…………………………Kuma-san!” |
We spent the next seven days vanquishing wave after wave of the undead. I was afraid to go back to Torgle’s, partly because I wasn’t sure I’d make it, & partly because I was sure that I would make it, but I’d find that he’d been turned. So, Kuma-san & I continued to fight, sleeping when we could (in shifts, of course), foraging, cleaning ourselves & our weapons whenever we came upon a nice stream. I got quite good at imitating their alarm moan. We’d use that to call attention to ourselves & bring more to us. We mapped out the forest & the mountain, divided them up into grids, and made our patrols. We’d go to the center of a grid, I’d call out the moan, we’d wait for responses (either more calls from zombies or more zombies showing up), clean them up, then I’d call again. When there were no more responses, we’d move on. We’re all lucky that this place is so isolated.
By the end of that seventh day, Kuma-san and I had killed 282 zombies. We didn’t know how or why, but we were sure we had almost completely extirpated this plague from this area. I felt it was finally safe enough to go check on Torgle.
| 000000 | “Don’t worry. I’ll be right back. I’m sure that you can handle any that’re left. Besides, I really want to get my guitar. Torgle has to’ve finished it by now!” |
This time, knowing the lay of the land, the trip back didn’t take so long, and wasn’t so perplexing. When I got to Torgle’s place, I saw a new sign in the window:
NOW ACCEPTING BRAINS AS PAYMENT!!!
Looking down, I saw that the holes were now a Zen garden, where someone had raked out:
キツネのような狂気
The effect was slightly spoiled by the blood splatters, though.
| 000000 | *tingle* |
| 000000 | “Torgle, are you here? Please don’t tell me you’re a zombie. But, if you are a zombie, I promise I’ll make it quick!” |
It was then that I noticed my guitar on his counter, with a note taped to it.
| 000000 | 00“Dear whippersnapper, Gone home to my original location to wait out this most recent Zombie Apocalypse (don’t worry, it happens every month or so, with the full moon [or is that Tikbalangs?]). nehoo, Here’s your guitar. I did what you asked, & used all-hard&strong-metal construction, even made it look like the original wood. It sounds terrible, but you kidzes seem to love that. Itemized bill is as follows:
But, seeing as how you seem to be The One who’s cleaning up the undead this time, I figure we’ll call it square. Lock up before you leave, swallow the key, pass it, and then throw it out the mail slot! It’s what I do every time, AND WOE BETIDE YOU IF YOU DON’T!!! All my love, 00Torgle” |
I figured it’d be best if I just took my guitar & left as quietly as I could. And so, leaving Ohno’s bloodstained, viscera-encrusted form behind, I picked up my guitar & ran out of there. Before I got two meters beyond the front door, I saw this in the Zen Garden:
KUMA-SAN’S IN TROUBLE!
I ran as fast as I could to his last know location, just outside our basecamp cave. When I got there, he was surrounded by seven zombies, all of my father’s former fieldhands. One of them, who I recognized as the one who always showed up to work either recovering from a hangover, or doghair-recovered from one, had already wrapped itself around Kuma-san’s left arm, and was doing its best to bite through all the fur. Kuma-san screamed in pain, before crushing Yotta-me’s skull. Kuma-san knew that he was done for, so his attacks became more reckless. I knew that Kuma-san was done for, and yet I still charged in.
| 000000 | “KUMA-SAAAANN!!!!!!” |
TRIP!
SL/CR/SPLASH!
I looked to my right to see that my right side had slid along the jagged knife-edge of a river boulder, recently cracked & split apart, gashing my torso from my armpit to my hip. Shock must’ve set in immediately, because I couldn’t feel a thing.
| 000000 | “Oh good, I was looking for an edge.” |
My pulse was pounding in my head. I saw myself pick myself, then my guitar up, before my whole world went red, then white.
When I came to, I was standing over Kuma-san in the middle of a ragged circle of bits of flesh & shards of bone. Kuma-san was laying on his side, a gaping hole where his stomach should be, entrails spilled out on the table-rock beneath him, panting out his last. He looked up at me with his remaining eye, and in that moment I knew that I, in my berserker rage, had pulverized those last remaining zombies, though not soon enough to save my friend. Before the light went out, only to be replaced by a light-which-is-not-a-light he gave me permission to do what I had to do.
| 000000 | ”あなたの最愛の友人に感謝。お許しください。” |
Tears in my eyes, I bashed in his brains just as he was beginning to turn. Now feeling emotionally numb to match my current physical insensitivity, I dragged my sorry ass and my guitar into the cave, to collapse in a heap.
I awoke I don’t know how much later to find that I’d been sleepwalking. Oh, the irony of it all, to obliterate a zombie menace, only to end up behaving just like them!
| 000000 | “I hope not completely like them, the only thing around was Kuma-san!” |
I was worried that I’d have to stick my finger down my throat, but that mention of poor Kuma-san did the trick. Fortunately, after about ten minutes, nothing came up but dry heaves.
| 000000 | “And…thought…exhausted…before!” |
When I finally looked up, I saw that THIS was where I was going, THIS was where I was supposed to be. HERE was whatever was driving me wanted me! It was an absolutely perfect place: right in the middle of a clearing of a copse was a rock that looked like it was crafted by natural processed & God Himself to be perfect for me to sit on. To my left was a statue to some long-forgotten figure. There was just enough sunlight streaming in to perfectly highlight & accentuate the natural beauty of it all. I sat down on the rock, & picked out a chord.
| 000000 | “Torgle was right. This sounds terrible!” |
But I didn’t care. At that very moment, in that place, it sounded like the most beautiful music ever. But there was just one thing preventing this from being the perfect moment.
| 000000 | “Oh, right. This is for you, Kuma-san.” |
Tears welling up in my eyes, I started tuning up.
| 000000 | “What’s that chicken doing over there…” |
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THIS HAS BEEN A PRESENTATION OF:
LET’S STRUM ON A GUITAR IN THE MOUNTAINS
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| finished 8:16p, 7/10/14 |
Ok, in order to understand the whole point of this story, you need to’ve seen this:
Now, it doesn’t matter if you’ve seen the whole episode or not, because that little sequence is a perfect & complete non sequitur. When I first saw it, the basic outline for this story (Guy goes on an epic quest, involving an initially-hostile bear, with whom he must join forces in order to destroy a zombie outbreak, ultimately having to kill said bear before coming to where we see him in the clip) immediately sprung into my head. For those who would accuse me of stealing elements from World Ward Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War, I say guilty as charged. I had been reading it for the 3rd time when I first saw the clip, so it was understandably on my mind. As for Torgle, I wholeheartedly admit to stealing him from this:
That flavor text gets me EVERY SINGLE TIME. This card is (as of 7/10/14) the ONLY time Torgle is even mentioned in ALL of Magic. I just took him & his 10 lbs. of crazy stuffed into a dimebag & let him loose upon this world (dear god, what have I done?)! He is, was, & always will be an ensemble darkhorse (TVTropes HAS ruined my life).
