No Reservations II, pt. 7a—Ice Age

{At least we’re starting on a high note.}
Aegis of the Meek 79, downgraded from to , because of the equivalencies provided.
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I’ve actually been looking forward to reviewing this card ever since I finished part 6b, Fallen Empires, because of all the Time Spiral block cards that came out of this & Pendelhaven’s design.

As for the card itself, What more needs to be said about it? You’ve seen the equivalencies, do I really need to say anything more?

{This card is a HUGE mismatch between flavor & mechanics, and mana cost.}
It’s also a mismatch between mechanics and the name. With a name like this, you’d expect it to be an artifact, right? 42
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As the provided examples have proven, this effect can be extremely powerful. Save for the last one, all of the equivalencies have been either tournament winners, or tournament staples, oftentimes both. It is for this reason that I feel comfortable keeping Altar of Bone right where it is. You Spikes have proven that it’s too easy to break.

{I already ragged on Amulet of Quoz back in Episode 1, so we’re skipping to the next card}
Remember when Hydras were ’s thing? 32, downgraded from to , because this just isn’t powerful enough nowadays to warrant being .¹
Price

We all know Hydras, we all love Hydras, I think I can safely skip equivalencies.

Yes, p/t-modifying counters have all been consolidated to +1/+1 & -1/-1, but Balduvian Hydra is just flavorful enough to allow it parole in Commander. It’s cute, but not all that powerful, and Commander is where that category of cards thrives.

{”Me not that type of Orc!”}
Blizzard 64; We’ll discuss why in a few cards.
Price; apparently, SCG.com’s search feature is a little too all-encompassing when you’re searching for a specific card with a relatively commonly used word as its name.

There are many MUCH better anti-flier cards out there, like Raking Canopy, which is just objectively better.

{This is one of the few cumulative upkeep cards that are actually interesting.}
Brand of Ill Omen 33; See below.
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I want so very desperately for Brand of Ill Omen to have a Standard reprint, but if I’m being honest with myself, I must come to the realization that it’s never going to happen, mainly for two reasons:

1) Cumulative upkeep, being a drawback mechanic (except in the most interesting cases, like Braid of Fire and all the other truly memorable Coldsnap cumulative upkeep cards), will prolly never again see Standard play, as Wizards have been severely curtailing their usage for the past decade and a half or so.

2) As shown by the equivalencies, this effect is more a ability.

That said, I do still think Brand of Ill Omen is too interesting to languish in a prison sentence it doesn’t, and never did, deserve. My mind is abuzz with the possibilities for its use, especially in multiplayer formats.

{Oh look, it’s trying to be a worse Jihad. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!}
Oh gods, don’t look at it, it’s just so terrible! 65
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Sure, I could also list Crusade², but what would be the point, when Honor is the objectively better card? I Call horseshit on this card.

{What is this? I can’t even…}
Even when I first started playing, I could STILL identify this as the absolute dumpster fire that it is! 66
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“I hear that Chromatic Armor is in the Strictly Worse cube.”

“Oh yeah? Well I heard that the Gatherer text for it actually can fit onto a Magic card, but it’s ugly as fuck!”³

“Well, I heard that since it’s the sole card that makes use of sleight counters, the only card that would make it actually worth running isn’t even a real card, it’s just a homebrewed Sliver designed by some guy out in some nowhere Podunk!”

{I once got a cd mailer for AOL Black, the America Online for black people. It was the funniest & most racist piece of junk mail I’ve ever received!}
Earthlink 67
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I was all set to put “; placed there without prejudice.” after 67, but then I found Burning Sands (which itself might still be a mistake, if anyone actually bothered to use it), so Earthlink fully deserves its Burn Pile status.

I’m going to make two arguments in support of Earthlink’s placement, and if they seem at all contradictory, it’s because they kinda are, but bear with me.

1) You all know my position on Land Destruction, especially when it’s Repeatable or Mass. RLD & MLD kill games. Decks and cards that blow up all or most lands are evil, and so are the people who play them, because their whole gameplan is to stop their opponent from actually playing the game, long before they finally take that opponent out. If only one of you is doing anything, that’s no longer a game. LD, especially when it’s at both a low cost and a high rate, is one of Magic’s biggest early mistakes.

2) Earthlink just costs WAY too damn much! Burning Sands is the exact same card, for much, MUCH less, and as far as I know⁴, it never did anything.

{Here’s where the delaying of Blizzard pays off}
Energy Storm This one might actually be good enough for Standard, but I’m still gonna play it safe and say 34. If any of you think it should be 80 instead, please don’t hesitate to call me out in the comments. I would love to have a debate on this.
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I’m not even sure there is an equivalent card that does both things, or even just the prevention effect.

Let’s compare STOP POKING MEEE!! and Energy Storm side-by-side. I sense a soul in search of answers locks down fliers, at a rather high color investment initially (plus an additional land type restriction), and an equally high cumulative upkeep cost. Energy Storm, on the other hand, requires half as much color density (without any additional restrictions), half as much cumulative upkeep, and does TWICE as much!

Why wee they both in the same set again? Why were they both printed at the same rarity again? Why was Kerrigan reporting! even printed again?

{White Shield Pest Control—Voted Least Reliable by JD Power and Associates}
Flow of Maggots 68; though I do like the German translation of the name.
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Why in the name of the Orkin Man is Flow of Maggots a ?! Did the early R&D members have absolutely no idea how to properly rate cards?

One final note: I run a singleton Noggle Bandit in my / Rogues deck⁵, because who runs defenders?

{A flock of Struthiomimus, running through the snow. This card makes no damn sense!}
Formation 69
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Banding alone gets Burn Piled, but banding+slowtrip? Ecchh! Disgusting.

{Uh, Miss? Didn’t you just tell me that you’re deathly allergic to ragweed? Why the hell are you huffing its flowers?}
Fyndhorn Pollen 70
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I was all set to 35 Fyndhorn Pollen, with a downgrade from to , even, when I realized that it just costs too much mana to profitably use, especially since there are so many similar effects that they provide the overlap that would simulate the extra shrinking ability of the Pollen. If it didn’t have the unnecessary cumulative upkeep, it’d be perfectly fine.

{Footnotes}