No Reservations II, pt. 6a—Fallen Empires

{Why is this even on here?}

Aeolipile 63, downgraded from ¹ to , as per Masters Edition II.

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This. This is one of the biggest reasons why The Reserved List is bullshit. It’s cards like this that sooo sorely tempt me to add on points for each drop in rarity. Eight different designs, and they all range from mediocre to flat-out terrible! On top of being yet another example of just how godawful creatures were back then that they felt the need to make it a , Aeolipile is also one of the very few early cards that have maintained a flat power level throughout their entire history. It’s decent in Limited, okayish in Standard, but nothing that would break anything.



I’ve heard that R&D’s stock concern for this is that it provides direct damage to colors that don’t normally have it. To that I say go look again at the equivalencies, including the footnote.

{Oh look, they even have its opposite on here, because reasons!}

Balm of Restoration 64, downgraded from ¹ to & reprinted in the same set as Aeolipile.

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Y’know what has even less of a reason to be Listed than a versatile artifact Shock? A weaker-than-its-inspiration artifact Healing Salve. Why didn’t I Balm of Restoration, when it so obviously deserves it for being so terribly underwhelming? Because this is functionally the same as leaving it on The List, and I’m not willing to let WotC off the hook for their abortively bad decisions that easily. No, I want them to suffer in their incompetence and failure, and the best way I can think of is to reprint both Balm and its better, more useful, more wanted counterpart, side-by-side in the same set just to prove how wrong they were, and continue to be, about both of them. Only then do they have my permission to let Balm die.

{Nice to know that if they ever #BanBrainstorm, there’s already a replacement waiting in the wings.}

What the hell does playing Gabriel with the remains of a long-dead mollusk have to do with drawing cards? 65, downgraded from to , and reprinted alongside the previous two cards.

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Everything I said about the previous two cards still applies here. So, instead of speaking any further on the subject, I’m gonna provide you all with two links about/featuring conch horns a link featuring the simulated use of a conch horn³.



God, I miss Richard Jeni.

{I guess downgrading a Burn Pile card is pointless, huh?}

Delif’s Cube 58

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Do I even need to say anything?

{What the fuck is up with all of these godawful regeneration cards?!}

Draconian Cylix 59

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Plz make it stop.

{Hey, as Scott Adams once pointed out, children’s toys can be deadly in the right combinations; say, paperweights and tube socks…}

Dwarven Armorer 27

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Yes, Dwarven Armorer is mediocre at best, and yes, all p/t-boosting/-reducing counters that aren’t either +1/+1 or -1/-1 have been long since discontinued, but that doesn’t diminish the fact that it’s just useful enough in combat, and just quirky enough, to make a very good case for a Commander reprinting. I’m thinking of a deck that maximizes the number of unique counter types used, just to screw around with people. As its commander is a 5-color Sliver⁴ of my own design that counts unique counter types, and provides a bonus based off of that number.

{Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here tonight, in the Molten Fields of Dys, with a wonderful view of the beautiful splendor of Pandemonium’s wretched skyline, to forcibly join this naked Na’vi slave against her will to this fairly-clichéd depiction of a devil, and to this--well, there’s really no other way to say this--giant rabbit, in unholy matrimony. If there’s anyone here who has any reason that these three should not be wed, kindly please shut the fuck up, because this is my exact fetish!}

To this day, no one is really certain which figure is the actual subject of the card! 28

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Now that you can NEVER UNSEE THAT AGAIN, I’d just like to say that everything I said for the previous card holds the same for Ebon Praetor.

{Oh gods, plz make it stop}

Elven Lyre 66, downgraded from ¹ to , as per Masters Edition II, and reprinted alongside the other three.

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So this is four, FOUR¹ artifacts, all in the same set, all to be reprinted in the same set, all should’ve been to start with, and all are Listed because they weren’t. Am I getting that right? Did I miss anything? Oh, right. Three of them are combat tricks ranging from borderline unplayable at best, to decent.¹



On the one hand, this is making this job sooo much easier, but on the other hand, THIS SHOULDN’T BE AN EASY DECISION! BEYOND THE STUPIDLY OVERPOWERED CARDS, NONE OF THESE CARDS SHOULD BE AN EASY DECISION!! THE RESERVED LIST SHOULD’VE BEEN A SLEEK, STREAMLINED THING OF BEAUTY, A PAEAN TO LEGENDARILY OVERWHELMING WEAPONRY OF A BYGONE ERA’S ARSENAL, NOT THIS BLOATED SACK OF SHIT WITH A COUPLE TARNISHED GOLD COINS HIDDEN INSIDE!!! PARING IT DOWN SHOULD BE AN EXERCISE IN OLYMPIC-LEVEL DEBATE, AN AGONIZING DISCUSSION OF PHILOSOPHY AND DESIGN, NOT SOME TOP 1700 LIST OF SNAP DECISIONS OF THE CARDS THAT COULD EASILY BE CUT & NOBODY WOULD NOTICE OR CARE!!!! WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING?!??!!?!!!

{Ok, I’ll admit, I got a little emotional there on that last one, but can you blame me? Hopefully, this next one will be--OH FUCKING SHITKNAPPERS!!!}

Elvish Farmer 67, downgraded from ¹ to , as per Planar Chaos.

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Urge to kill rising.

Progress to Insanity

{The Glimmer Twins would love this one}

Fungal Bloom 68, downgraded from ¹ to , because this screams “build-around-me ”!

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Look, it’s late (almost 3 am right now), I’m tired, can we all just agree that Fungal Bloom is fine to reprint in Standard, especially in a traditional Thallid-heavy Standard?

{Oh gods, what is this…THING?! What is my life?! What am I doing?!}

Goblin Flotilla 60, but full style points for flavor.

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I’m not even gonna bother with Equivalencies, or Better Options, or any of that, because you all know, right at the surface of your hearts, that Goblin Flotilla is a bad card. As jfre81 pointed out, landwalk abilities really should’ve been given to their enemy colors. Beyond that, I just can’t fathom why this is rated so highly on Gatherer.

{What did Phoenix Wright’s five fingers say to the face?}

Hand of Justice 29, downgraded from to , because this would make a perfect top-end of a white weenie swarm Commander deck.

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So far, Fallen Empires is shaping up to be the most bullshit set ever, as far as The Reserved List is concerned. When we get to the end of this week’s episode, it might be easier just to list the cards that weren’t downgraded!



Please don’t make me talk about the actual card in question.

{Oh look, an actual, debatably good card. Lemme guess, it’s a when it should be an ?}

Homarid Shaman⁵ 69, downgraded from to .

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This is starting to feel like living under trump’s regime: when your standards for acceptable have been sunk so low, nearly anything could be considered good.



Homarid Shaman is the perfect example of a tempo-based hate card, and should prolly only be reprinted in a Standard environment where creatures are dominating.

{Gatherer’s inability to even register + is actually the hardest part of this job.}

Icatian Lieutenant 70, downgraded from ¹ to , as per Masters Edition.

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Because of course there’s a functionally similar ! Homebrew designers, do not despair at your godawful cards; even Wizards of the Coast fucked up horribly in their early days! You’ve just gotta learn from your mistakes.⁶

{Footnotes}