Post by sdfkjgh on Oct 14, 2021 22:05:57 GMT
11:32a, 10/14/21
A #ShitpostingOnTheSevens Special
When contacted, The Wanderer was either unable or unwilling to stay in one place long enough to be interviewed. Her only comments as she 'walked away called into question the canonicity of greg weisman within the greater Magic oeuvre. Not his utter trash books, mind you, but his very existence itself.
Tyvar Kell: Fuck Kaya and anyone who fights alongside me in glorious battle; marry my brother, Harald; kill that bastard, Tibalt.
Vivien Reid: Fuck and marry every wild beast I meet; kill Bolas.
Vraska: Make slow, tender love to mai husbando Jace; kill Bolas, Tezzeret, greg weisman, and anyone and everyone who DARES HURT ME, MY BABY JACE, MY BABIES BY JACE, OUR FAMILY, OR OUR RELATIONSHIP!! I WILL RIP APART THE ENTIRE OMNIVERSE, PIECE BY PIECE, DOWN TO THE VERY SUB-SUB-SUBSTRATE ELEMENTARY CONCEPTS, YEA, LIKE UNTO DESTRUCTION NOT EVEN DREAMED OF BY THE ELDRAZI, I WILL REND ALL THAT IS FROM ALL THAT WAS AND ALL THAT WILL BE IN MY UNENDING PURSUIT OF THE END OF ALL THAT DARE EVEN THINKING OF DISTURBING OUR ADDAMS-FAMILY-ESQUE BLISS!!!
Jace: Vraska, my love, calm down. We're all here, we're all fine. Stress isn't good for the--wait, did you say "babies"?
Vraska: There I go again, spilling the beans in a less than favorable way. Yes, darling, Gorgons always breed multiples. Serpentiformic nature, I'm afraid.
Jace: *Dazed, in near tears* We're going to be a big, happy family! *Glomps onto Vraska, copious kisses aplenty*
Let's leave the lovebirds for now.
Wrenn: Fuck and marry 
So, from here on out, it gets a little tricky. Teferi, would you be willing to lend your temporal powers in order to help?
Teferi: You want me. To risk another Mending-level event. Just for a stupid fucking SHITPOST?!!
Well, yeah.
Teferi: *Pinching bridge of his nose* If we do this, AND IT'S A PRETTY FUCKING BIG IF! But if we do this, there will be some ground rules.
Naturally.
Teferi: ONE: Gideon Jura AND Kytheon Iora are OUT!
Chronomancers, man; ya'll always gotta show off about perdurantism. Alright, no traumatizing the AvengersGatewatch for fun and profit.
Teferi: TWO: Nobody in Magic canon's distant past, be that past either Watsonian or Doylist, alive or dead.
And that would mean?
Teferi: Everything before The Mending is off limits.
I sense another shoe dropping...
Teferi: As is anything within the immediate temporal vicinity of The Mending.
There it is!
Teferi: THREE: Nobody else who is now dead, AND ESPECIALLY nobody who was created just to up greg weisman's body count.
Hey, kids! Here's a fun little game: see if you can guess how many similarities there are between greg weisman and ayn rand! I'll give you the first two: I never have and never will read any books written by either, and the reason why is that they're both godawful hacks!
Teferi: Yes, well...FOUR:--
Look, how about we just make things easier on everyone, and go by this list?
Teferi: Ok, fine.
Right, now, looking at it, why don't you just cross out everyone you're uncomfortable with contacting?
Teferi: Ok, everything between "Playable (Dead)" and "Time Period Unknown"--
Including Aminatou? Dude, sick! She's just a kid! Plus, she's got weird, freaky fate powers, and is incredibly creepy!
Teferi: Agreed. Anyone who can just decide to spark decades ahead of time is someone to steer well clear of at all times, at least until the writers decide to do something further with them. Now, I took your good word on the kid, but is my word as good as yours?
I should say not!
Teferi Then that takes care of everything in between the first "Not Planeswalkers" and the start of the "Non-Canon" section.
Wait, that only leaves the people who I can contact on my own, without your help at all!
Teferi: PRECISELY!
Ral: Oh, bravo! Excellently trolled, good sir!
Yes, that was quite the impressive waste of everyone's time. A superb rumination on the futility of life and all endeavors.
Hey, Jund. It's been a while.
Teferi: Screw you guys! I warned him ahead of time how unwilling I was to do this!
Ok, let's just get this over with.
In order to avoid becoming paranoid that anyone and everyone we were interviewing was secretly Estrid in disguise, we opted to conduct her interview via mail. Her one and only response was Sakashima.
We're not even bothering with Grist. Sorry to disappoint you, entomophiles, and fetishists vore, oviposition, and egglaying.
The very act of attempting to contact the planeswalker nicknamed The Unluckiest somehow managed to cause a Goldberg/Clouseau XK End of the World Scenario to the local plane he was currently visiting, leaving it a smoldering crater, with him in the middle. Not wanting to cause any further damage, we severed all ties and moved on.
As we're not entirely sure what The Raven Man's existential status is, we contacted his only known associate, Miss Vess, for a followup interview. While Mel and Ral were hoping for responses that included "Liliana", Miss Vess informed us that his only reply was "POWER!"
Tacenda Verlasen could not be reached at this time. When asked about the shared nature of their Entities, Davriel was noted to get very cross, yelling "What did I tell you about my afternoon tea?!" while peeling away a few of our memories. Fortunately, he was unaware that they were all memories we wished to forget.
Of the Non-Canon Planeswalkers, only Lolth responded to our entreaties. Her only reply was a sound file.
Ral: In for a penny, in for a fucking ton, eh pal?
3:05p, 10/14/21