Post by sdfkjgh on Oct 8, 2021 6:57:16 GMT
A #ShitpostingOnTheSevens Special!
Ajani Goldmane: I'm not sure I want to reveal my feelings for her just yet. I don't think either of us are ready for that. I mean, even though we're planeswalkers, so the interspecies thing is less of a problem (shapeshifting spells can be easily learned, and all that), it's still a bit of a problem. I appreciate my closest confidant not making a big deal about it, but I still worry that she's silently judging me...
And that's your answer for?
Ajani: The first two.
And the K?
Ajani: Kill Bolas.
Because that worked out so well the last time it happened...
Ajani: Well, he's dead now, so I will have to remain ever vigilant.
Oh gods, we're never gonna get through them all, are we?
Ajani: I'm sorry. Am I done?
YES! NEXT!
Angrath: Fuck my wife; marry my wife; kill anyone and anything keeping me away from my wife and daughters.
Well, that was eas--
Angrath: Kill them twice, or as many times as necessary before they learn to stay the fuck down, if I have to!!
Ok, that's enough. NEXT!
Arlinn Kord: Fuck Tovolar (and I have, in every combination of our forms); marry my pack (and maybe even Hal & Alena, if they'll have us); kill that bitch, Olivia Voldaren! Maybe after muzzling, gagging, blindfolding, and fucking her. With a Blesséd Moonsilver dildo.
Ashy Larry, you're up!
I do wish you'd stop calling me that!
Alright then, Ashford Lawrence.
Whatsamatta, you don't like being known as one of the funniest characters from Chappelle's Show?
What have you got against agendered people and characters, you hateful little man?
Them? Nothing at all. It's you specifically that I can't stand.
You can't blame me for the play patterns that R&D selects for my character.
Except that character informs those play patterns, and vice versa. Just stick to the format, ok, Mack?
What part of genderless, asexual character don't you understand?!
STICK TO THE FUCKING FORMAT!!!
Joke's on you, dumbass. In case you haven't guessed from the constant splitting of multiple personalities in my writings here, I'm already insane! NEXT!
Basri Ket: Fuck Oketra; marry Oketra; kill Bolas.
Dude, sick! Oketra's dead and been Zombified, not to mention what some religions think would happen if a God even came into close proximity to a mortal. You necrophiliac!
Basri: Hmm. You are right, of course. Ok, fuck Oketra; marry Hazoret; kill Bolas.
Still got a kinky side, I see, going after "the Pervert".
Basri: I--I--I--
I'm just joshing you. NEXT!
Calix: Fuck Klothys; marry Klothys; re-kill Elspeth.
Isn't that a bit incestuous, wanting to fuck and marry the God that personally created you? Specifically Oedipal.
Calix: I don't know what you are talking about...
I approve! And it's especially apropos, considering your homeplane's inspiration.
Calix: Ok, now I really don't know what you're talking about!
It's ok, you'll get it later, just like Klothys'll get it later, amirite? NEXT!
Chandra Nalaar: Fuck everybody (especially Nissa; also, have you seen dat ass?! DAYum! Also also, I might just give Jaya a tumble or two...); marry Nissa (and fuck her a whole bunch); kill Baral, Dovin Baan, and Greg Wiseman! NEXT!
Chandra: Let's not get started with that, otherwise we'll just get bogged down in paddleball tangents.
Right. Meeting is adjournedNEXT!
Daretti: Fuck Grenzo; marry Krenko; kill Muzzio & Professor Fimarell.
You already killed Fimarell.
Daretti: Yeah, that was a fun time. It was also when I fucked Grenzo. Damn, but that Gobbo's violence gets me hot! And dat ass! Unf! Definite badboy boyfriend material, but we date the bad boys and marry the good boys, right?
You done?
Daretti: Excuse me, I need to "go work on a" "construct"...
NEXT!
Davriel Cane: Fuck anybody and everybody who gets in the way of my afternoon tea--
Wrong verb form. *Intense whispering*
Davriel: Oh. OH! Oh, I see...
Davriel: In that case, fuck Tibalt and Obob Nobixobilobis; marry Miss Highwater (don't let her know, I'm still trying to find the perfect ring and time to tell her); kill anybody and everybody who gets in the way of my afternoon tea. If the future Mrs. Voluptara Cane does it, I shall be forced to administer upon her pert, lithe little buttocks such a spanking, that--
We'll just leave you to plan the wedding night, shall we? And don't forget to send us an invite to the big day! NEXT!
Elspeth Tirel: Fuck Ajani, Basri, and (with a little bit of Teferi's temporal manipulation shenanigans) Beefslab (while Teferi watches and jerks it); marry Ajani; kill Heliod.
We are unable to print Garruk's entry, as even with Liliana's curse cleared from his system, the majority of his responses amount to stalking-, torture-, rape-, and snuff-porn, the subjects of which are pretty much every single person he's ever interacted with, save the whole Kenrith family.
Huatli: Fuck Zacama; marry Saheeli; kill my emperor.
Jace Beleren: Get fucked by Alhammarret, get fucked by Tezzeret (hm, could there be a pattern of ə-ret names?), get fucked by Liliana, got fucked by Liliana, get fucked by myself, get fucked by Bolas, get fucked by Zarek, Niv-Mizzet, myself (again), Exava--well, let's be honest here, the entirety of Ravnica (maybe one or two Guildless, who may or may not have ever heard of me, don't hate me/haven't fucked me over), get fucked by Vraska, make tender, comforting love to Vraska, get my thoroughly fan-approved relationship with Vraska fucked by Greg Wiseman, get fucked by Bolas (again, twicethree times over), get fucked by--
Jesus christ, Jace. Is there anybody you've interacted with who hasn't fucked you over or taken advantage of you?
Jace: Lemme think...nope. Not a single one.
Does anybody else find it intensely problematic that this is our Mickey Mouse? How are you still functioning as a human being, and not constantly davvening in a fetal ball in a corner somewhere from the near-constant psychological trauma and abuse that is your miserable life? You're not a person, you're a waking trauma conga line, and it seems the only place you're allowed even a modicum of happiness isn't with the official writers of the story. That there are so many official people running you ragged is prolly the only thing keeping you from the total BSoD that by all rights, you so understandably should be!
Jace: *Dejected* I really am a mess, aren't I?
#SultaiHospital5Evah, for what little comfort it will give you, man.
Jace: *Openly sobbing* Vraska, my darling...1
Jaya Ballard: Ugh, who haven't I fucked?! Let's see, I think I've married most of them, either singly or polygamously. I might still be technically married to Jodah & Jhoira, but after a few hundred or so differences of time across planes, who can keep track anymore, honestly? Kill? Uh...I think I'm done with killing. Yes, alright, the whole "toast" thing, but that was several lifetimes ago.
Jiang Yanggu: Umm, I don't think I'm quite ready for any kind of commitment like that. I don't even know if I'm old enough for any of that. Sifu Yanling does awaken some funny feelings in me, but I feel it best if I concentrate on my training and search for my origins. As for that last one, I really feel uncomfortable with it, and regret any time I've had to end another's existence.
Karn: N/A
When we requested Kasmina's participation, all we got back was a sound file.
Kaya: I wouldn't be averse to a minor dalliance with Tyvar, but I'm not the marrying kind. As for killing? You know my job, and you know my rates.
Kiora: Take a wild guess! Marry My Rixie; kill Thassa if she ever dares challenge her Mistress again!
Koth of the Hammer: Fuck Elspeth; marry Melira; kill all Phyrexians. ALL OF THEM!!
Liliana Vess: Fuck Chandra, fuck Nissa, fuck Jace, fuck with Jace, I wish I could've fucked Beefslab when we had the chance (both because look at him, and for what he did for me), fucked Josu (my start of darkness wasn't due to just sisterly affection. Well, it was, but not of the type you squares would approve of!), royally fucked Garruk--y'know what? Let's just save some time and say that there's at least a 65% chance that if I interact with someone, for any length of time, I'm gonna at least fantasize about doing something naughty with them. Marry...I'll have to get back to you on that one; kill Bolas, Tezzeret, the Raven Man, and anyone who stands in my wayno, we swore to be a better person, both for ourself, and for Beefslab. Oh, Gideon, why did you do it?
Lukka could unfortunately not be reached at this time.
Mu Yanling: Oh gods, that impetuous little shota haunts my every dream and fantasy! Him and his little dog, too!! Come between us, and I WILL murder you and leave a completely desiccated corpse!!!
Narset: I don't understand the value or point of this exercise.
We are not at all interested in what either Nicol Bolas or Ugin have to say on the matter. Frankly, our imagination mercifully shuts down at any attempt.
Niko Aris: I'd be interested in having one or two dates with Kaya, maybe see where it goes from there; if anything happens, fine, if not, I'll still treasure her friendship. I'm definitely killing Calix and Klothys if I get the chance.
But what if you've been destined to kill them? What then?
Niko:...I'll have to get back to you on that one.
NEXT!
Nissa Revane: 8am-9am: Fuck Chandra, 9am-10am: fuck Ashaya, 10am-11am: fuck Chandra and Ashaya, 11am-Noon: light bondage session with Ashaya and Chandra, Noon-12:30pm: Light lunch, 12:30-?: HENTAI ROLEPLAY WITH CHANDRA, ASHAYA, KIORA, AND WHATEVER KIORA SURPRISES US WITH!!!; Already set a date for the wedding to Chandra; I'm done with killing, unless it's me and Chandra, orgasming to death in each other's embrace. #GruulFriends
Ob Nixilis: KILL.
The less heard from Oko, the better.
Ral Zarek: Fuck Jace, fuck Jace, fuck Jace, fuck Jace, fuck Jace, fuck Jace, fuck Jace, fuck Jace, fuck Jace, fuck Jace, fuck Jace, fuck Jace, fuck Jace, fuck Jace, oh fuck, Jace, fuck (sense 5) Jace, fuck Gideon, service my Parun, edge Dovin Baan for 4 & a half to 5 hours (giving him absolutely no relief) before he turns the tables and does the same to me (oh krokt, those loooong fingers, all twelve of them! Ooooh, shivers up and down me spine!), seduce and turn Teyo (twinks, umph!) like a spatula (he can Uke my Seme all night long!), I'm using Tezzeret's severed metal hand right now as a dildo, I have no idea what Sorin would do to me, but I'd be willing to try, oh holy fuck, Tyvar's mini-blurb just made me cum with the possibilities--
Teferi: Dude, better be careful, you don't wanna give yourself a Rusty Venture.
Ral: Thank you for your concern, pal. Just for that, I'm fantasizing about you next!
Teferi: Gịnị mere m ji enwe nsogbu?
Ral: Fuck Jace, fuck Jace, fuck Jace, fuck Jace, fuck Jace, fuck Jace, fuck Jace, fuck Jace, fuck Jace, fuck Jace, fuck Jace, fuck Jace, fuck Jace, fuck Jace, oh fuck, Jace, fuck this Barazoku, "visit" Tibalt's BDSM dungeon just to try things out once, fuck Jace; marry Tomik; kill Bolas, Tezzeret, and ANYONE WHO DARES HURT MY BABY JACE!!
Rowan Kenrith: Fuck Will Kenrith; marry Will Kenrith; kill Extus.
Will Kenrith: Fuck Rowan Kenrith; marry Rowan Kenrith; kill Extus.
(They don't yet know that each others' feelings are the same.) NEXT!
Saheeli Rai: Fuck Huatli, Rashmi, Chandra, Dack Fayden (greatest thief in the Multiverse, managed to steal my heart, a kiss, and all my jewelry with just a wink of his eye!), Pia, and Ms. Pashiri; marry Huatli, Rashmi, and Chandra; kill Bolas and Tezzeret.
Samut: Fuck Djeru; marry Djeru; kill Bolas.
Sarkhan Vol: Fuck Yasova, Narset, and Narset (and Teferi calls himself a master of time!); marry Ugin and any and every Dragon I see (except Bolas); kill Bolas.
Sorin Markov: Nahiri. It's complicated.
Tamiyo: Swap significant others (or possibly even orgy with all of them!) with Ajani & Elspeth and Chandra & Nissa; I'm happily married to my Genku, but we're always open to new experiences and stories; find and kill everyone who hurt my poor Nashi! Bolas, Tezzeret, their entire damned Consortium, they will all pay!
Teferi ibn Zhalfir: Fuck my wife, Subira; marry my wife, Subira--
Ral: Jeez, Teffer, could you get any squarer?!
Teferi: Kill Ral Zarek!
Ral: Gotta go! *Runs off* Glad to see you're getting into the spirit of the thing!
Telim'Tor: FUCK ME, MYSELF, AND I; MARRY ME, MYSELF, AND I; KILL ANYONE AND EVERYONE WHO DARES DISTURB THE FOUR OF US IN OUR DOMESTIC BLISS!
Get the fuck outta here, you NPD assbag! You're not even a planeswalker!
Telim'Tor: NOT YET...
And on that revolting note, NEXT!
Tezzeret: Just leave me the fuck alone, WEIRDOS!
Teyo Verada: Fuck Rat under the direction, instruction and (maybe?!) participation of Kaya and Ana Iora; marry Rat; kill Bolas.
And, in order to keep to the appropriate deadline of 10/7/21, We'll hafta end it there, so come back next week for Part 2!
1And off in some Fix-It Fic of my own creation, Vraska, dozens of planes away from Jace, immediately perks up.
Vraska: My beloved Jace is in pain! WHO DARED HURT MY BABY JACE?!! *Planeswalks away in righteous protectiveness and furious anger, Gorgon eyes blazing*
Vraksa: *Kicks down door* WHO HURT MY JACE?! *Sees only Jace in the room, sobbing; immediately goes from hard Erinys to soft protector* My darling! Shh, Vraska's here. Let me kiss it better. Was it the greg wiseman nightmare again?
Jace: *Calming down* Yes.
Vraska: Shhh, I'm here. Look at me, my love. Look at our rings. They can NEVER separate us, they can NEVER keep us apart, and I promise you, they will NEVER hurt our babies like they tried to hurt our relationship!
Jace: You mean you're--
Vraska: Well, I had meant to tell you in a better way, but--