D.A.i.T.S. pt. 13: This is Prolly a REALLY Bad Idea

Ral: Ok, we can work with this. Bit overcosted for such an underwhelming effect, but we’ll make do.

Ral: Ok, now we’re talking! See, we got synergies already! Only two cards in, and we can already Jund ‘em out. Oh, I do so loathe that stupid meme. Ral: Nobody asked you!

Ral: Ok, no biggie, decks gotta land, amirite?

Ral: Oh no. Well, we can just ignore tha--


Teferi: Don’t you even dare. You said “Leave it all up to Chaos”, right? So follow your own rules, punda.


Ral: Of course YOU would try and force “rules” onto Chaos! And quit it with the Swahili, the languages of Zhalfir are of dubious canonicity, at best.


Teferi: Oh look at you, with the multisyllabic verbiage, and--


Break it up, you two, let’s just keep going. Ral, much as I normally hate doing so in-game, I’m siding with Teferi for the rules of this exercise.


Ral: There you go, spoutin’ off with your “rules” again!!! Ok, fine, we’ll make it work!

Ral: Ok, mana accel is good. I mean, sure, it’s mana accel that costs 6, on a body that, while not unattractive, just screams out “BOLT ME!!!, but we can work with it. It’s Commander, right? the format where nothing ever happens until 6 mana, right? Teferi: Careful with that loose derogatory talk, man. EDH players might get angry about your possible mischaracterization of their favorite format. Ral: Oh, we all know it’s true, especially them!

Ral:

Ral: Alright, back to . It’s a pretty crappy creature, doesn’t hold a candle to anything comparable in , but at least we’re establishing main colors.

Ral: Ok, minor combat trick is minor, but still a combat trick.

Ral: Alright, we got ourselves a boardwipe!

Ral: Ok, this could be useful. Synergizes with that Celestial Ancient.

Ral: Excellent, second boardwipe or card draw,

Ral: Well, we did pick up that Island a few cards back. Oh god!

Ral: Excuse me, I gotta go take care of something.

Ral: Ok, we got some lifegain synergies, that’s...ok, I guess…

Ral: Oh fuck, I’m pretty sure this one’s straight outta the Strictly worse Cube. Oh well, ramp is ramp.

Ral: Oh crap, I shouldn’t have spoken The Cube That Shall Not Be Named out loud.

Ral: Lands gotta land. Looks like we’re shaping up to be solidly .

Ral: Cards gotta draw.

Ral: We’re...actually building a serviceable manabase. I’m...kinda shocked. Teferi: Now who’s not trusting in Chaos? Ral: You’re just eating this up, aren’ you, asshole? Teferi: Shika uume wa mbuzi wangu, unachukiza chemsha kwenye ulimi wa usiku wa taa.

Ral: Bad Overrun is bad, but still qualifies as pseudo-removal. We’re a fifth of the way through.

Ral: Ok, this is interesting.

Ral: Oh look, our first dual land! Everyone: AND IT SUCKS!

Ral: Hohohohohohhhh. I’m salivating.


Hell, I’m salivating.


Even I’m feeling a slight tingle in my tarpits.

Ral: Card draw is card draw. I’ll take what I can get.

Hey, my old pal! This was one of the first cards I ever bought. It was in the 5-color precon deck with all the other penumbra creatures of that block.

Ral: Tempo removal is still pseudoremoval. I’ll take what I can get. It’s also a nice early-game play.

Ral: I have no idea if this is even gonna be useful, much less relevant. Looks like I’m gambling for some retrace.

Ral: Land is land.

Ral: More land is more land.

Ral: A growing threat+potential boardwipe? Yes please!

Ral: Card selection is nice and needed. Thank you, Chaos, for being so good to me.

Ral: Early game blocker+a bit of lifegain. Not bad.

Ral: Oh no, I’ve been whammied!!! Is it because I thanked you, Chaos?

Ral: I don’t even know anymore.

Ral: In a 5-color Commander deck?! This is gonna be a dead, useless card 99.999% of the time!

Ral: Eh, beefy, early blocker is ok, I guess.

Ral: So far, we have only one artifact, and half of its effect causes a self-sacrifice. Chaos is as random does, I guess.

Ral: Ok, an omniblocker is pretty useful for this utter pile. Teferi: Oh, so now you’re disparaging Chaos? Ral: Oh, shut up, you smug asshole. The probability of this being anything other than an utter pile was always gonna be as close to nil as makes no difference!

Ral: Ok, this is one of the better red spells.

Ral: Ok, we got our first concession to the meta. This is good, or rather, can be good.

Ral: O...kaaaayy? It’ll close out the game, I guess?

Ral: Oh god, World Enchantments! And oh yuck, harold mcneill!

Ral: Oh, look: another one from The Cube That Must NEVER Be Named. WHY??!?!!

Ral: And we’re back to the bad cards. Teferi: Back? We never left! Ral: *Whining* Will you please just shut up?

Ral: I...I don’t know how to handle this one.


I think that for this one time, I’ll allow a reroll. However, if more planes show up, then this and the others will be put into a planar deck, and this will become a Commander Planechase deck.

Ral: Good removal, and excellent art by the incomparable Seb McKinnon. Sold!

Ral: Hey, how long before I can just start focusing on my manabase? Like, what %age of a typical Commander deck is lands?


You’re asking me? Not my format, man. *Does some quick Googling* It says 40-45.


Ral: And we’re already up to 47, 9 of which are lands capable of producing mana. Huboy.

Ral: I would’ve preferred Holy Mantle or Spirit Mantle, or even just Unquestioned Authority, but ok.

Ral: Decent, if narrow, card selection and draw. I guess I'm taking it.

Ral: Looks like we’re pretty firmly the boardwipe deck.

Ral: Ah, the Classics.

Ral: Yep, We’re definitely the boardwipe deck.

Ral: So, we’re just always binning the top card, right?

Ral: Finally! I was getting a bit worried about our manafixing capabilities. 10 lands so far…

Ral: Sure, why not? It’s not like we have ANY sacrifice synergies in our deck.

Ral: I’m really starting to regret everything in my life up to this point.

Ral: Mediocre Tempo Cantrip would make a great Shoegaze bandname. Teferi: None of those words make any sense when strung together like that.

Ral: 11. Also, I think this might be more Forests than are needed for this deck’s color breakdown.

Ral: Limited fodder card. Doesn’t even make it in the maindeck most times.

Ral: I’m not even sure we have any black creatures anymore.


Numbers 2, 18, and 55.


Ral: Oh, right.

Ral: And now we have Burning Vengeance’s Red Oni/Blue Oni twin. At least we have that one Reckless Charge. Oh god!

At least it’s another black creature. And you still could get a few Gates. Ral: Please stop trying to cheer me up, you’re just making things worse.

Ral: Excuse me, I’ll just be in a corner somewhere, slitting my wrists. Teferi: Hey, you asked for this. Ral: NOT LIKE THIS!


How the hell did you expect it would go down?


Ral: I don’t know, but I wasn’t expecting it to be THIS bad! I mean, I kinda knew it was gonna be an absolute slog, but this? This is just embarrassing! I’m not even sure I wanna go on anymore.

Well, there you go, an actual good card! Now you’ve got looting AND rummaging! Ral: Please stop talking.

Hey look: it’s more much needed boardstall. Pillowfort boardwipes, here we come! I’m actually starting to have fun with this. Ral: Please take your chipper ass to Fargo, and leave me in peace to wallow in my misery.

Ok, this is just a bad card. Ral: One more drop into the ocean of shit! I bet you’re just eating this up, watching my misery and suffering.


Teferi: *Through mouthfuls of popcorn, a huge smile on his face* No comment.

Teferi: Hahahahaha!

Ral: All work and no play makes Ral a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ral a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ral a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ral a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ral a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ral a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ral a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ral a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ral a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ral a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ral a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ral a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ral a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ral a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ral a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ral a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ral a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ral a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ral a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ral a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ral a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ral a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ral a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ral a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ral a dull boy. All work and no play makes Ral a dull boy.

Ral: .

Ral: Fixing is fixing. Bad Mediocre fixing is still fixing.

Ral: Why am I not surprised that we get the worst of the cycle?

Ral: At least we’ve got more than 1 morph. God, I’m hating life!

Ral: So, in addition to being an utter pile, I now have to go into debt just to build this trash?!


It’s only about 12 tix, we can handle that.

Ral: This is so fucking frustrating. Exceptional manabase for a shit rest of the deck!

Ral: I don’t even know anymore. Teferi: You already said that. Ral: I STILL don’t know, man!

Ral: Jesus Christ!


I’m with you on this one, man. I’d rather have Saffron Burrows.


Ral: She’s happily married.


I know that! A man can dream, can’t he?


Ral: Let’s just keep going.

Ral: Yep! Exceptional manabase, shit deck.

Hey, another of the first few cards I ever bought!

Ral: Oh god, I can’t watch this, there’s absolutely no concern for color balance! Teferi: *Mockingly* “Why don’t we leave it all up to Chaos?” Ral: Shut up. God, I hate you so much, and the entire playerbase is sick of you as well! And Wizards announced that the next core set is gonna be “All Teferi, all the time!”, after we were all sick of your stupid, stalling ass for YEARS, ever since Dominaria. Hey Wizards: LEARN TO READ THE ROOM!!!

Ladies, gentlemen, and oth--oh, I’m sorry, did you wanna take this? Ral: No, you go on ahead, I’ll just be over here, bashing my skull against this brick wall until the pain or I go away, whichever comes last.


You sure? *Loud banging noises* Ok, ladies, gentlemen, and others, the first actually good triland,





part of a 5-card tight cycle, even. Before this, we had to make do with truly godawful crap.


Teferi: “You young whippersnappers”, eh?


No, let’s not start that shit. Let’s just be happy that we now have the triomes, and move on.


Ral: I never thought I’d live to see the day when three Basic land types were printed on the same land.


You folks should stick around, I’m gonna be posting an actual GOOD deck later on that features all the hotness of Ikoria. Anyway, back to this exercise in futility.

Everyone: Best Terramorphic Wilds ever printed, bar none.


I’m pretty sure it ranks right up there with the other fetchlands.

Ral: Ok, that’s actually pretty nice.

Ral: What even is happening?!

Ral: Do you think you could rein in some of the more out there tangents?


But then this column wouldn’t be this column, you wouldn’t be you, and I wouldn’t be me.


Teferi: It’s you for you and me for me from now on!


Ral: See, that doesn’t even ring true for his character! Maybe for me, but not for aloof ol’ squarebritches over there. And now you’ve got me breaking the fourth wall in a pointless display of a bad attempt at metahumor. What time is it? 12:28am, 4/22/20; dude, you’re supposed to be getting your sleep schedule back towards normal, what the fuck are you doing? You’re just going to ignore me and leave this drivel in here, aren’t you? Ok, FINE! Moving on…

Ral: I just want this nightmare to end.

Ral: BLEGH!

Ral: Speaking of fetchlands…

Ral: And almost no card draw?

Ral: And absolutely ZERO Drgaons OR Eugenes!!!

Ral: I’d rather have Kessig Wolf Run. Come to think of it, Skarrg, the Rage Pits sounds like something from Axe Bodyspray.

Ral: I guess we’re going all-in on Ravnica, huh? Oh well. My old homeplane…

Ral: Hey, here’s an idea along the lines of The Cube That Shall Not Be Named: 4-8 people all build a Commander deck using this exact method, then they all get together and play a game, using someone else’s randomly-generated deck. You could even have an auction beforehand, like in the old Community Cup tournaments; only this time, each player is bidding on forcing an opponent to take the deck in question! Remember, you’re bidding starting life total and starting hand size, and one card is worth more than any amount of life.

Ral: I can’t remember if we even have any artifacts!