No Reservations II, pt. 9b—Alliances

{CONSPIRACY CORNER!}



Sam the Eagle confirmed for Selesnya?

{I remember MaRo telling a story about the developers of an early port of Magic telling him that “This zero-cost artifact is so game-breaking!” MaRo’s all like “Yeah we kinda dropped the ball on Black Lotus there”, and they’re all like “Black Lotus? We’re talking about Ornithopter! It’s a zero-cost artifact creature with flying! What were you guys thinking?!”}

Gustha’s Scepter 111, downgraded from to , and expressly reprinted into a discard- & graveyard-heavy Standard.

Price





Why, you may ask, have I downgraded Gustha’s Scepter, when all the provided examples are ? If you look again at those examples, you’ll see that they all deal in multiple cards, whereas the Scepter is always 1 card per activation, every single time. It’s just too slow to be considered anymore, especially since Dominaria kinda redefined the power level of .



To be sure, Gustha’s Scepter is rather powerful at , especially in the Standard environment I specifically called out in my ruling, but even at its most powerful, in that specific environment, even if some Jenny breaks the format wide open with some Shatter shenannygoats, Gustha’s Scepter is still prolly the weakest card in that scenario, and not at all ban-worthy (although we’re ALL painfully familiar with WotC’s track record on such issues).

{This was supposed to be Mindslaver. Instead, it’s the greatest argument for tenacity ever told HAHA, DISREGARD THAT, I CAN’T HISTORY!}

Helm of Obedience 53

Price



Insta-win 2-card combos are bad for the game, for the most part¹, and this one is one of the easier ones to implement. Sometimes you Munchkins are the reason we can’t have nice things.

{Yet another colorshifted card that proves The Reserved List’s bullshit.}

Ivory Gargoyle 112

Price





There’s an episode of Invader Zim where Zim does some horrible, over-the-top reaction to Human stuff, and it cuts to Dib saying “Do I even need to say anything at this point?’ or words to that effect. I wanted to embed that scene right here, but I couldn’t find it. Therefore, you get this paragraph ruining the message.

{Remember kids, since she boosts ALL your green creatures, she’s a 3/4 on the battlefield. Now you see why they shy away from this wording, in favor of “other”?}

Kaysa 113

Price





Kaysa the card is fine. Kaysa the character is kinda boring; at least, just going by the Gamepedia blurb about her.

{What the actual fuck is this garbage?}

Keeper of Tresserhorn 106

Are people even interested in buying this utter crap?





Apparently, Keeper of Tresserhorn is the ONLY 6/6 for . They could’ve made it just a vanilla creature, like Trained Orgg, and it would’ve been fine. They could’ve made it a 6/6 Archers’ Parapet that activated to drain for 2 instead of 1, because that’s essentially what they did.



Mebbe they wanted to introduce the concept of “maximum life” with this card, whereby your starting life total is the maximum, but normally, lifegain can increase that maximum; however, effects like this can put a cap on that max, so you can’t gain more than the capped amount. As I type that, I realize that it’s a stupid system that requires way too much convolution to implement, for almost no gain. That there are card games out there that use such a system, and that I’ve played and enjoyed them is besides the point.



Just as a final twist of the knife, compare Lim-Dûl’s Paladin. Which one seems more like a , and which one seems more like an ?

{It’s because of cards like this that you can get a Game Loss for putting an Aura into your graveyard before the permanent it was enchanting. GAZE UPON THE MEDIOCRITY, CHILDREN!}

Krovikan Horror 114, downgraded from to .

Price





Krovikan Horror is a weird card. Do you know the last card to care about graveyard order?







That I’m having such a hard time trying to think of anything to say, good or bad, about Krovikan Horror speaks to its mediocrity. It’s just a bleh card, and certainly not deserving of status.

{I was gonna say “It’s a good thing this is restricted to basic lands, otherwise we’d have another Plow Under on our hands”, but then I realized that the most commonly used nonbasics are fetchlands, so it thankfully wouldn’t work the way I thought it would.}

Lodestone Bauble 115, downgraded from to , because if you’re just using it for the card draw, congratulations, you just cast Whispers of the Muse without buyback.

Price





Back in the Bad Old Days of Stone Rain being printed in every set, and also having umpty-billion different variants also printed in those exact same sets, having a quick & easy way to recur your lands was quite an attractive option. But now that R&D has wizened up to the fact that games are more fun when they’re actual games, with more than one person playing, how often do you see basic lands in any player’s graveyard? And of those times, how often do players actually want them back on top of their libraries? Not even IT is Providence! wants this card, and that deck’s a fucking kitchen sink at this point.



Still, up to four basics+slowtrip can be useful, if not necessarily powerful, so it’s saved from Burning.

{Breaker, breaker, do you copy good buddy, over?}

Lord of Tresserhorn 44

Price



While doing some impromptu research on Lord of Tresserhorn (specifically if SaffronOlive has ever done an Against the Odds for it), I stumbled upon this article, specifically the “Veldrane's Disturbing Ceiling Mirror” bit. Veldrane strikes me as exactly the type to have a creepy ceiling mirror!



Anyway, Lord of Tresserhorn is the very quintessence of an Akbar card. It’s a bad card, but there’s so much charm to it that it slides on by. I know that some über-Munchkins actually do manage some wins with it, and more power to them. Lord of Tresserhorn is perfect for Commander’s nonsense.

{See, Wizards? You CAN actually make a good punisher card, and you CAN actually reference +1/+1 counters and -1/-1 counters on the same card, and it WON’T actually destroy the universe!}

Misfortune 116

Price





Even at Misfortune’s worst, against a creatureless deck, it’s 4 mana for 4 damage, which isn’t that bad. And thanks to Lorwyn/Shadowmoor blocks, the rules for +1/+1 counters and -1/-1 counters have been codified, and continually updated since then as needed. So really, Wizards, what the hell are you so afraid of when it comes to mixing the two counter types, especially when it happens all the damn time in every non-Standard format (and also that one Standard format)?

{”Is there danger? Well, there it is.”}

Nature’s Wrath 54

Price



Did I just reference WarCraft 3’s Keeper of the Grove Night Elf hero? Why yes, I believe I did.



Nature’s Wrath is not how you design a hate card. Nature’s Wrath is how you show a new player that playing certain strategies means getting repeatedly punched in the junk. This is not how you convince new players to play your game.



One final comment from Gatherer: DAMN, NATURE! YOU SCARY!

Posted By: Kryptnyt (12/19/2011 8:41:13 AM)

{What did I just say about junk-punching?!}

Omen of Fire 55

Price



NO! BAD CARD! GO TO YOUR ROOM UNTIL YOU LEARN HOW TO LISTEN!

{Prolly the only time you’ll ever see the miracle of birth displayed in such graphical fashion on an official Magic card. AND NOW YOU CAN’T UNSEE IT! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!}

Phantasmal Sphere 117, downgraded from to , because Chasm Skulker.

Price





Yes, Phantasmal Sphere is a bad card, punishing you for daring to have a , flying, growing fatty, then punching you in the face for finally deciding to kick its expensive, freeloading ass to the curb like that mummy you found in your basement, but I just can’t send it to The Burn Pile. It’s pregnant, for chrissakes! I’m not heartless, like trump!

{Fans of the Purple Hippo, and fans of A Girl and her Fed, rejoice! I see you!}

Cuddly Hippos’ Friends and Family discount: this week, all wetwork half-off! 118

Price





Garfield PhD needs a reprint, NOW, Wizards! It won’t break the game, it won’t break the secondary market, what are you so afraid of?



And why are you so afraid of acknowledging the secondary market’s existence? When people deny the existence of over half their corporal existence, that gets names like “Cotard Delusion” or “Capgras Delusion”; when a company does it, we all have to smile and pretend it’s normal; that making decisions that actively hurt that company’s bottom line, just so it can maintain this delusion, are actually good ideas.



The secondary market exists, it has created its own mini-economy (one that several different doctoral theses could probably be written about), and continuing to not acknowledging its existence might just bring about the slow death of this game. At the very least, Wizards is acting like a baby-daddy who has a night of fun, then leaves the woman in the lurch; worse still, that baby-daddy still lives in the same neighborhood, and still refuses to even look at the poor love-child!

{Rules Lawyer is HUNGRY!!!}

Phyrexian Devourer 119, downgraded from to , as per Masters Edition II.

Price





I’m a big eater, but I’m slowing down in my old age.



Ral: You’re 35.



Quiet! Anyway, I know Phyrexian Devourer’s hunger. In fact, I’m hungry right now…



Teferi: Finish the damn column, then you can eat!



Ok, fine! Phyrexian Devourer has quite a few cool, shenannygoat-ish combos associated with it, and reprinting it won’t break anything, because of its self-limiting ability.

{Footnotes}